dreams waking up (a.k.a. my conversion story)

My journey back to the Catholic Church started in mid-2008, although I had no idea at the time that the Catholic Church is where my journey would lead me. That isn't to say there weren't seeds planted before then, but the seeds began to take root when a popular flamboyant preacher named Todd Bentley gained popularity within the Pentecostal faith traditions. This tattooed preacher was seen as a fresh breath of air, with his unconventional and theatrical style. He was asked to lead the Lakeland, Florida Revival for one week. The revival became a phenomenon that lasted much longer than one week, and Pentecostal Christians all over the country were buzzing about the rock-star style revival meetings. The meetings aired on GOD TV, and there were numerous healings claimed by the evangelist.

Some Pentecostals we knew were head over heels excited about what God was doing through Todd Bentley. Others were cautiously optimistic and dove into their Bibles to verify what was happening on the TV screens wasn't in conflict with the Word of God. Generally, my experience was that those who dove into their Bibles to check the revival came to the same conclusion - this guy doesn't jive with Scripture.

Still others that we frequently talked to and greatly respected couldn't stop talking about how everything that was happening at the Lakeland Revival was amazing. So we were sort of left scratching our heads. My husband watched several of the revival meetings on TV to see for himself. He prayed and watched. His report to me, his feelings toward what he had witnessed - this cannot be of God. It's a fraud.

We waited and watched. In August 2008 it came out that Todd Bentley had an affair on his wife, his marriage was ended in divorce. The Lakeland Revival meetings ended and when the truth came out, guess what? It was all about money the whole. The whole thing was a sham.

My husband and I were greatly bothered by the stark disagreements of the two camps of people we talked to - those who were "all in" on the goings on at the Lakeland Revival - even after the thing came to a screetching halt - and those who saw the Lakeland Revivals and Todd Bentley for what is was - a wolf in sheep's clothing. Or in this case a rock-star's clothing.

God, this can't be what you have for your church. There must be truth out there somewhere that doesn't contradict itself from one day to another.

We prayed together, "Lord show us your will for your church. We are open to anything outside of our current experiences. We just want something real."

We asked ourselves - why do we believe what we believe? Because of what we were taught growing up? What if those over us while we were growing up were wrong? There are many different denominations that we've never looked into; what if one of those denominations were more accurately teaching truth and we never knew it just because we were taught that our denomination - or lack of denomination as sometimes had been the case in our lives - was the correct one? What if the people teaching us that our denomination was correct...were wrong? What if Methodists interpreted the Bible more accurately and we just never knew it because we were never taught what the Methodist faith taught? Or Baptist? Or Church of Christ? Or something else?

We were attending a wonderful small Assemblies of God church with wonderful people. I mean wonderful in the kind of authentic Christ-like mercy-giving loving kind of people that we never wanted to think about leaving. But what if the Assemblies of God church wasn't what God wanted His church to be? Which church should we look at first? I mean, as we would soon find out in one History Channel program, there are 8,000 Protestant denominations. I don't have the ability to research 8,000 different sets of beliefs. My mind was spinning.

My husband had an idea. To find out what God wanted for His church, my husband would look back at the beginning...before Jesus was born, died and resurrected...he would study Judaism to find out what the earliest church would have been like. But it had to be Orthodox Judaism, as Reform and Conservative Judaism seemed to be evolutions of the Judaism that would have been on Earth 2,000 years ago. 

I wasn't quite convinced my husband's idea would work, but I didn't have any plan at all as to how I would look into 8,000 different Protestant faiths, so going back to the beginning - way before 8,000 Protestant denominations came about - sounded like an acceptable plan. I went through a kind of burned out period where - although I loved Jesus - I was feeling disillusioned by all of the divisions within Christianity. God, isn't your Truth out there somewhere?

So my husband turned started attending Orthodox Jewish services. It turns out an Orthodox Jewish service is about 3 hours long. I was pregnant with our third son, and a three-hour long service did not sound like the kind of research I was up for. So he went alone. He loved it. He soaked it in. He was excited about everything he learned. He started going to daily morning prayer services whenever he could find time in his schedule. People thought he was crazy, but we were OK with it. We knew the unsettled feeling we were dealing with, and we were OK with crazy for a while if it meant finding God's true desire for His church.

Now, my husband wasn't interested in denying Christ at all, so he took the knowledge he found to look for something similar in Christianity. Maybe it was the Messianic Judaism movement? We went to a couple of Messianic Judaism services. They were...long. And too many things just didn't add up to me. It just seemed like another Protestant division denomination to me. I couldn't see how something that started as a movement 30 years ago could be anything remotely similar to what God's church was like 2,000 years ago. Plus, in the Messianic Judaism services we went to, we never met anyone who had actually been to a Jewish synagogue. It was almost like they were making it up as they went and trying to base things on what someone told them happens in a Jewish synagogue service. 

All this time my husband would go and spend three hours every Saturday morning at the only Orthodox Jewish synagogue in our area. He begged me and begged me to go. In December 2008 I finally agreed to endure the three-hour long service with him one Saturday. I dragged my month-and-a-half-away-from-delivery butt over to the synagogue to please my husband. I didn't think anything would come out of it except maybe getting the best wife in the world medal for a day.

What I experienced made my palms sweaty and and heart race. What I saw was very...Catholic...except without Jesus. From the prayer book to the tabernacle to the chanting to the singing of the Psalms even to what the leader of the service was wearing and the way he kept bowing at the altar and the way the leader and the others read written prayers - it was more like what I remembered from my childhood days in a Catholic Church than any Protestant church I had ever been in.

No. Not the Catholic Church. I'm sure truth couldn't possibly be in the...but what if...

No. I was sure that's not what God is showing me. I started to look into what the Catholic Church taught. And it made sense. A lot of it was difficult for me to understand right away. I had to mentally chew on it. And I would get these moments of repulsion at the very thought of considering that the Catholic Church most accurately contained the truth that God wanted for His people. (I had, after all, very thorough and deep training in anti-Catholicism since becoming Protestant at age 15. And we were still fresh in the news of the priest sex scandals.) I even looked into the Lutheran church, since it was a direct shoot off of the Catholic Church and was very similar in liturgy and doctrine. So if it were a directly branch off of the Catholic Church, I thought, then it would be most like the original thing - sort of like a copy from an original is less contaminated than a copy from a copy from a copy from a copy...

I had a dream one night. I can't remember any of the dream except this - a Bible opened up in front of me, and there was such an amazing light and the most wonderful colors that you could ever imagine beaming out of the pages of the Bible. And there was such a joy and peace that only comes from knowing God and His holy Word. I knew during the dream that God was trying to tell me that there is more in His Word than we will ever be able to comprehend with our natural minds. That's what the incredible colors beaming out of the pages represented - all that God has for us in the Bible that we cannot fathom.

It's funny when you have a dream like that. There was such a joy and excitement in my heart and I tried to tell a few people about the dream only to get a nice smile from them and a, "that's nice, dear" response. But I knew the dream was a promise from God that He had more for me. More for us.

I kid you not - becoming Catholic has made that dream of Biblical awesomeness come alive to me. I never even knew the Catholic Church believed in the Bible. It's true! I thought the Catholic Church didn't want its laity reading the Bible. It was a lie told to me years ago and I believed it. The Bible brought me home to the Catholic Church. Apostolic succession, the papacy, their view of marriage (it's deeper than any Protestant has ever been able to explain to me) as a sacrament, confession (yes - confession!), visible unity of believers (a.k.a. the Jesus' church being ONE as opposed to 8,000 divisions), and the Eucharist (this is where I give a big shout out to John 6 - why had I never seen that whole chapter before?!), oh the Eucharist! It turns out 

(And have I mentioned - the Catholic Church doesn't teach that a person can go to Heaven by works!)

I'm not Catholic because of RELIGION!
I'm not Catholic because of old family ties.
I'm not Catholic because I went through a difficult time and "lost my faith" along the way.
I'm Catholic because God's grace touched my heart and opened the Bible up in a way that had never happened before.
I'm Catholic because of the Bible.
(Just in case anyone had to stand on their head backwards to not read that last statement I'll say it again.)
I'm Catholic because of the Bible!

I often imagine what people think of my conversion. I know the mindset I was in before. I would've thought someone who converted to Catholicism just didn't understand the love God had for them and the freedom from religion that His love provided. "Religion" had become a dirty word in our faith circles. It implied a faith void of any relationship with God, only rules and rituals. Mostly the word "religion" referred to Catholicism when I thought of it in a negative sense. But that's not at all what has happened to me. My relationship with Jesus has amplified since becoming Catholic. I know this is such an oxymoron to many.

I guess I can be thankful that Todd Bentley ignited a fire within me for my faith. I have been through a revival of my spirit through the washing of the Word. And I will never be the same again.

To God be the glory!

kristy

For Such a Time as This

Have I mentioned that I love being Catholic?  It's exactly where I know I'm supposed to be.

I grew up with a nominal Catholic foundation (one day I'll go into that more), so I became a Protestant at the age of 15 after meeting someone who showed me how much Jesus loved me.  For 18 years I was passionately in love with Christ as a Protestant.  Then I was called home by the lover of my soul.  Now I am passionately in love with Christ in the Church that Jesus gave us to guide us.  That's not to say the Church has been perfect, but it has been guided by the Holy Spirit amid any attacks from the gates of Hell.

I like to get the background out of the way so that you know where I'm coming from.

Being Catholic has been very difficult in so many ways.  I've had the chance to take a deeper look at myself (and while that's good, it certainly is ugly), and I've had to stand strong to people who oppose my move.  I haven't known very many passionately Catholic people in my life.  Honestly, most Catholics I know don't even seem to know what they believe or why they believe it.  And most Protestants I know have had the same experience with Catholics. They are baffled when they see someone who is a Bible-believing Jesus freak moves back to the Catholic Church.  They are speechless.  I can feel the speechlessness.

I constantly feel like I am fighting from the inside and from the outside.

But I didn't expect anything about my conversion (reversion) to be easy, so I'm OK with it.  I was prepared for it.  I have been silently letting the Holy Spirit build things in me that should have been built in me in the first 15 years of my life.  I've held these things close to my heart.

During the end of 2011, I felt God telling me it's time to speak up.  Time to stand up.  Time to be a light for His Church.  All for His glory, not mine.  All for His people, not for me.

This is the thing about me - I don't like to go against the crowd.  I don't like to stand out.  I don't like to speak up.  I don't like to be the odd one.  I've always stood firm in my convictions, but I've resisted being outspoken about them.  I like to stand in the corner and watch life from a safe place.  So I pondered what I kept hearing and tried to explain it away.  Surely that's not what God is telling me.

The Time Square ball dropped and 2012 was here.  I still wrestled with the message I felt like I was getting from God.  The message I felt like I was getting from Him to go and stand out for Him, which is an absolute paradox to my personality.

January 20, 2012.  Obama announces that he is not giving any religious exemption to his HHS mandate.  Catholic institutions will have to violate their consciences and pay for birth control and abortion-causing pills or suffer large fines.  The Bishops speak up.  They stand firm.  They stand for the teachings of the Church regarding contraception.  A teaching that many - including Catholic and Protestant Christians - feel is antiquated.  Religious liberty is threatened and the Bishops are not caving.  The drama begins.  Suddenly the Church and her 2,000 years of teaching on contraception is shoved into the limelight.  People start asking the question - why does the Catholic Church teach against contraception?  A teaching that was long considered old-fashioned and irrelevant is suddenly being discussed everywhere.

Something in me has changed.  Now I'm ready.  Time to stand up.  Time to speak up.

Am I the only one who feels like there's something happening?  I can't put my finger on it, but there is something in the air.  Israel and Iran (and China and Russia) are getting ready to go to war.  Religious liberty is being attacked by our government.  The Bishops are finally standing firm for something.  People are flocking back to the Catholic Church, spurred by a deep desire to get to firmer ground, beyond themselves and their own opinions about the Bible.  Deep, thoughtful Christians are making the move more and more.  Why?

I think a major reason is because God needs unity in His people.  Something is happening in the world, and Christians would be stronger against evil if  they were united.  Unity is also necessary to reach the lost in the world.  On the night before He died, Jesus prayed for all Christians to be in unity.

“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one — I in them and you in me — so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." John 17:20-23


This passage never meant anything to me before I started taking a closer look at the Catholic Church.  Now my heart echoes Jesus's heart when he prayed this.  He knows he's about to die, and he is praying for us to be united.  I feel like screaming, "Doesn't this mean anything to anyone?!"


It's time to reach the lost, and we cannot reach the masses without unity.  

I don't want to lose me

My life isn't what it was a couple of years ago.  This is certainly not the way I planned things.  But I don't have control over people, and people are people, so here I am.  

I have been through a lot of pain lately.  I have tried the best I know how to protect my beautiful boys from experiencing their pains, too.  I wonder what lies ahead for us.  I hurt.  I cry.  

I have known for a while that I am different than people around me.  I feel compassion in ways not like others.  I love life and I love the gifts that I've been given in the people who love me and whom I love.  I see the love that God has for others.  I see the beauty in the everyday living.  I trust to the point of being taken advantage of.  

I am afraid of losing that.

I am afraid of losing the gentle person that I am.  I am afraid of becoming hard and pessimistic.  I am afraid of becoming a bitter old woman who always has something negative to say because of the hurts I've experienced and not seeing good in anything or anyone any longer.  I am afraid of turning off my feelings so that I don't have to get hurt anymore.

I don't want to become that person.  I'd rather stay who I am and see the good in people.  And maybe get hurt again in the process.  I'd rather keep trusting, even when it means I am vulnerable.  I want to stay the kind of person who effortlessly has a smile on my face while I am amid chaos.  Don't get me wrong - it's not a fake smile.  It's a smile that acknowledges that there is more good in life than bad.  I want to continue seeing the good. 

Kyrie Eleison! 

Kristy

no regrets

I have been trying to figure out a way to write about what I am going through without giving it all away.  The internet is this mass of eternal information, and I don't want to post something on here that I will regret.  I am in the midst of my life crisis, and I am not sure how things will turn out.  Things will turn out either good.  Or bad.  I am hopeful for reconciliations, but in order for reconciliations to happen many deeply rooted changes have to happen.  I do not doubt that God can change people, but I doubt the willingness of people to make those hard changes.

Either way it goes, I know that God will take care of us.  The pains from hurts will either be large and will be a life challenge to overcome, or the pains will be a minor hardened scar that has changed me and taught me and reminds me of this time in my life.

I must remain somewhat hidden during this time of uncertainties.  If I say too much and reconciliations become a possibility, I don't want to have major regrets about what I've written here.  I.  hate.  regrets.

I ponder why I hate regrets so much.  I think it all has to do with pride.  If I have regrets for my actions, it reminds me that I am not perfect.  Outwardly I admit that I am not perfect, but inwardly I try to tell myself that I am almost perfect.  I almost have it all together.

But I don't have it all together.  God reminds me of that, and it stings my pride.  So I am learning that He is in control.  Even in acknowledging that He is in control, I still try to figure out the details of my future.  And it drives me crazy.  Because I can't figure it out.  So I have to give up my "plans" and lean on God.  It's this ugly cycle that keeps repeating itself.  My hope is that one day I will truly get it.  And when I learn what I need to learn about not being in control, I imagine that my first reaction will be to lean on my Lord.  Instead of spinning the wheels in my brain.

Why is it so hard to learn to trust Him without hesitation when I can look back at every problem in life and know, truly know that everything that I have let Him control has turned out beautifully?  I desire that utter beauty that I have experienced when I lean on His grace and mercy.

Change is so hard.  Yet I become impatient when others take time to make their changes.  

I am learning to be at peace with being imperfect.  Even as I write it, it stings.  

Me, uncovered?

The whole world of blogging is so new to me.  I feel odd when I become emotionally involved with perfect strangers without them knowing.  I read the stories about their lives and BAM!  I'm hooked.  But it also opened a whole new world to people enjoying their lives and sharing it and I got to see the beauty that is possible in people.  

It occurred to me that I might want to write a blog.  Not to attract readers, but as sort of a journal for myself while I sort through thoughts and emotions stemming from a mess that I've been handed.  But I wouldn't mention what the mess was, because that would be too much information to just put out there about myself.  Instead, I could use my blog to document new things that I am learning to see and enjoy in life despite this mess that I'm in.

I think about writing a post on my new, shiny blog all of the time.  The problem is, I rarely post anything.  I have all of these thoughts and emotions that I am sorting through...but my blog isn't for that.  It's only for nice, fluffy things that make me happy.  I don't want people to see anything other than happy things on here.  If some stranger does happen to pass by my way, heaven help me if they see anything other than nice and fluffy.  If they saw what I'm really dealing with, they may not like me and will pass on to a happier, nicer blog.

But then, who is this really for?  Didn't I intend for this to be for me?  Sure, it would be nice for a stranger or two to read and maybe post an encouragement or what if my blog helped them sort through some emotions?  

I know now that I don't post on here as often as I'd like to because it takes so much effort to write about nice, fluffy things and not to write about raw feelings.  My feelings.  The nice, fluffy things are so forced and disingenuous.  And if someone passes by, they will see the insincerity.  Who am I fooling?

This brings me to another realization.  Part of the reason I am in the mess I am in is because I haven't been true to myself.  Whatever that means, I know it's me.  And then I want to start a blog to record things that aren't being true to myself?!  I've got to get out of this intense desire to please people.  I am tired of wanting people to like me.  But I really want people to like me.  I feel like I'm a likable person, and I don't want them to not like me.  But what if I were one of those people who were OK with not everyone liking me?  Are those people happier?  I don't know, but I'm willing to try it.

I just don't want people to feel sorry for me.  A whole lot of people know about my current situation, and I can feel that they feel so sorry for me and that they don't know what to say to me.  I don't like that.  I don't know why, but I just don't like it.  Maybe it's pride.

So that's where I am.  Unapologetic, plain ol' just me.  Maybe that's what I should be on my blog.  Then my blog wouldn't be so much an effort.  And it might mean something to someone else along the way, too.

Beware for upcoming ugly, hairy messes being uncovered and talked about.  Makes me cringe at the thought of being so real.

Kristy