miscarriage: Sarah Love

Within 10 years we had 6 kids. Because of their age gaps, it's roughly two years between each child. My husband and I try to live our lives with an openness to life, but we have also prayerfully felt for a while that there are many good reasons we should avoid having another baby (as a side note, while we are not both Catholic, neither one of us feel like changing our biology or using other forms of contraception is fully living in God's plan). And with two years per child, we were approaching a mile marker in our lives - we were getting ready to celebrate our youngest child's 2nd birthday at the end of December, and this time we didn't have another pregnancy to announce at the 2nd birthday party. 

Or so we thought. My very regular 28-day cycle was super out of whack in December, and I was not prepared to read my fertility signs properly for a rebel cycle (I was still working on getting properly educated in NFP). Our doctor showed us a chart that calculated our conception date either on or right around our youngest's 2nd birthday.  

I wish I could say I was happy about the positive pregnancy test...that I was instantly excited that God had blessed us with another family member despite our feelings that we shouldn't have any more babies. But I'm human. And I'm self-centered. And I was looking forward to getting rid of weekly babysitter bills and diapers...of maybe having some extra cash for fun trips or a newer, more technically savvy car. I was looking forward to never going back to the toddler stage where they get into EVERYTHING. We had sold our crib two months earlier. I had been losing weight and wasn't happy about putting that on hold or even going backwards in my goals. I was ready for life to "settle down" as much as a family of 8 can settle down. We were dealing with some very tough issues in other areas of our lives, and a baby was certain to make things more difficult. I wasn't sure how much more I could handle.  

But God. When I tremble with fear, God reminds me that I'm not alone. He reminds me how many other times I had been afraid of the new life that was growing in me, and every single time my heart became smitten with the soft skin and the vulnerable eyes that greeted mine the second my babies were born. He reminds me that His plans are ALWAYS infinitely better than I could have ever imagined. And so I held onto that hope that God was in control this time, too. 

My husband was so excited about another baby that he couldn't keep the good news from our kids. They were the first to know. And since they had been asking for a new baby, they were very excited. Their excitement helped to ease my fears, to remind me that this news was good. My daughter, who is 4 years old, is surrounded by a family of only brothers. She would tell us, "I'm SO excited to have a baby sister!" We would remind her that we don't know if it's a girl or a boy. We prepared her that it could be a baby boy. She would never accept our warnings. She only held on to her excitement and joy that a baby sister was on the way. Even our boys eagerly hoped for another girl in the family. 

Then the call came. With early DNA testing that is available now, we were able to find out that our baby had no chromosome issues. And it was a GIRL! I knew everyone would be excited to hear Zoë was going to get the sister she never had and earnestly desired. I knew our boys would be excited to have another sister as well. And I knew their joy would help change my self-centered heart and open it up to the joy of new life that would be coming.

We never really had room for another baby in our lives, but we were ready to make room. Because that's what loves does.  

At 13 weeks, my belly was becoming more and more obvious. We had already told a few people in our closest circles about the baby girl who was growing in me. We had had two ultrasounds that showed our baby girl was growing properly. I was ready to tell everyone else about our baby girl. I work outside the home preparing taxes, and I decided to wait until after March 15th (a big deadline for us) to tell my co-workers and the rest of the world. 

I don't understand everything that happens in life. At 4am on the morning of the 15th, I woke up and felt strange. I got up to go to the bathroom, and was faced with a nightmare that I couldn't make go away. I was having a miscarriage. It happened very suddenly, and I was shocked and confused and heartbroken. My body had betrayed our baby girl. Our baby girl. Oh, how I realized in that moment how much I had truly wanted our baby girl.

It's been 5 days since the initial loss. I don't know if heartbreak fully explains what we are going through. I've combed through Facebook support groups and advice on the internet for ways to process the emotions and sadness and loss I'm feeling. We decided to name our baby girl because as a unique individual, she will always be a part of our hearts and our lives. I look forward to being able to hold her one day in heaven. We named her Sarah Love. It is true that we do not grieve for Sarah. She is with our heavenly Father. She has no pain, no sorrow - only the peace, love and joy that all of us on Earth desire. We grieve for ourselves. We are the ones who have the loss. I'm sad that she was only here a short time with us. I'm sad that I won't get to see each day how much her brothers love Sarah, how she would have brought out the tenderness in them. I'm sad that Zoë won't have the sister she longs for. I'm sad I won't get to kiss her sweet, soft face or hear her giggles. 

We waited until Friday evening to tell the kids so they wouldn't have to go to school with sadness in their hearts and the loss of Sarah on their minds. They are heartbroken as well, but I know they will eventually recover from this quicker than my husband or me. Zoë is only 4, so she is still trying to process everything. She still tells us every day that she wants to hold baby Sarah. We've tried to make a point to talk the last couple of days about Sarah and ask the kids to talk about what they are feeling. To let them know it's ok to be sad. To remind them that none of us have any guarantees about what each day in life will hold, and why that makes it very important that we treat others - especially each of us in our immediate family - with love. With love, we look for ways to turn something horrible into something beautiful. 

the perfect song for our fight for rights of conscience and religious freedom

This is a great song, "Uprising" by Muse. I was listening to it one day and thought, gee, this sounds a lot like the stand we are currently taking against the government, who is actively pushing pills on our society like birth control and the abortion pill (all under the guise of "freeeeeedom for women"). Don't fall for the P.R. machine. Rise up!

The paranoia is in bloom
The P.R. transmissions will resume
They'll try to push drugs to keep us all dumbed down
And hope that we will never see the truth around

So come on

Another promise, another seed, another
Packaged lie to keep us trapped in greed with all the
Green belts wrapped around our minds and endless
Red tape to keep the truth confined

So come on

They will not force us
And they will stop degrading us
And they will not control us
We will be victorious

So come on

Interchanging mind control
Come let the revolution take its toll
If you could flick a switch and open your third eye
You'd see that we should never be afraid to die

So come on

Rise up and take the power back
It's time the fat cat's had a heart attack
You know that their time is coming to an end
We have to unify and watch our flag ascend

So come on

They will not force us
They will stop degrading us
They will not control us
We will be victorious, so come on

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey

They will not force us
They will stop degrading us
They will not control us
We will be victorious, so come on

Hey, hey, hey, hey

40 Days for Life starts tomorrow

A prayer for life. 

Heavenly Father, we have turned our backs on you and your principles in your Word. We have allowed man to usurp Your role as God over life and the number of our days. But we come to you in brokenness and repentance over our sin.   We cry out for Your mercy and ask you to remove the scourge of abortion from our land.   Use us as your vessels, Lord, to bring the light of Your Truth to our nation once again. Because of Christ we pray, Amen. 

Every time I step in front of our local abortion clinic to pray, I can almost feel the spiritual battle taking place. It is very surreal. 

The enemy hates life. He comes only to steal, kill and destroy. And he starts with the innocent in the womb. 

Sign up to join in the spiritual battle. Join others in prayer for life. It does make a difference.  http://www.40daysforlife.com/

kristy

losing baby #8

We got some horrible news at my doctor today. The baby who was growing inside of me no longer has a heartbeat. Before we had a chance to tell the whole world about our newest surprise, we lost the baby.

I went to my OB last Tuesday for my first prenatal visit. It's amazing how things change from one pregnancy to the next. With my other babies we had to wait until around 15 or 18 weeks before we got to see our little blessing on screen. Now my doctor does an ultrasound to confirm a pregnancy on the first prenatal visit. So I got to see our little peanut on the ultrasound machine. He or she was measuring 6 weeks. I could see the heartbeat. The heartbeat measured at 128 beats per minute, which is right where it should be at 6 weeks gestation. It's the smallest little heartbeat I ever did see!

This Tuesday I woke up and saw that I was bleeding. I've had two miscarriages before. I knew this was not a good sign. I called my doctor's office and was told to come in Thursday for an ultrasound.

Today I am 7 weeks along. Before the ultrasound technician even looked for a heartbeat, she measured the baby's size. I saw on the screen that it measured at 6 weeks 1 day. Same as last week. My heart sank but I still held on to hope. Within seconds the ultrasound tech looked for the heartbeat but found none. I cried and held on to my husband.

The option of doing a DNC was offered, but I chose to go through the process of miscarrying naturally. My second miscarriage was at 6 weeks, and I somewhat know what to expect. Over the next week or so my body will cast aside the life that once was.

Today I have such a heavy heart. Over the last two days I've had ample opportunity to go through the questions wondering if I did something to cause this. Did I drink too much caffeine? Is this due to my age? Was I not thankful enough for this gift who was growing inside of me, too focused on the part of my self that I would have to give up to love another baby?

There is one thing I know to be true. My God is a good God. He creates life; He doesn't destroy it. The loss we are suffering now is because sin entered the world. The nature of this world was altered to include death when Adam and Eve believed a lie and brought sin into this world. Some mysteries of this life we will not understand until we get to Heaven. This will be one that we will have to wait on to fully understand.

We had already told our kids that we would be welcoming another baby into our family. So tonight we had to tell them that I had a miscarriage. Our oldest son, Todd, took it the hardest. He loves having brothers and a sister so much, and he was obviously looking forward to loving another sibling. He also understands that "we'll see him or her when we get to Heaven" can feel like an awful. long. time.  He even asked us tonight if we can adopt a brother or sister for him. He's trying to fill the space in his heart that was left now that his baby brother or baby sister is gone.

My husband is my dearest friend. I am so thankful that my husband and I are on the same page when it comes to being open to life. We want to be smart about having more children (whatever that means). Maybe we shouldn't have any more. Maybe we should. We know that right now isn't the time to lament over these decisions, but to mourn our loss and count our blessings. We have been so blessed with five gorgeous, perfectly healthy children. And we will have the opportunity to get to know the souls of our other three children when we meet them in Heaven. 

You can be sure that my kids got extra kisses from me tonight!

Kyrie eleison!
Christe eleison!
Kyrie eleison!

kristy

7 Quick Takes Friday (#3)

Thanks to Jennifer Fulwiler for hosting!

1. This is an awesome story about a man who had a seemingly perfect life. His wife got pregnant with their second child, and they learned the child had Down Syndrome. The man pressured his wife to have an abortion. The rest of the story will require a box of tissues.

It reminds me of a similar story I heard this week on the radio about a dad whose fifth child was born with Down Syndrome. The father on the radio admitted that at first he hoped his daughter would die. The baby had to have some surgeries right after birth, and the mother couldn't take the baby to the operating room. So the father had to take her. He described how his heart was transformed as he walked his new baby girl to the operating room. He began to love her with a deep love, and he cried and cried and begged God to spare his daughter's life. He is now so thankful that he has his daughter with Down Syndrome and recognizes how his daughter has enabled him to love in a fuller way than he ever loved before.

2. I have a problem. I can't read stuff like this and not let it deeply affect me. As in - it affects me all day, all night, and sometimes well into the next couple of days. And then it drives me crazy that no one else seems to care. It makes me want to scream at people (but I don't). I can't help think about this baby being born, and the first thing he wants and needs is the loving embrace and caresses of his mother. Instead he gets thrown in a trash bag and stuffed in the toilet. As a mother, I cannot understand how someone can have their own flesh and blood come out of her body, touch the sweet skin and delicate bones of her infant with her hands and within seconds stuff him in the toilet. Does no one want to get to the bottom of why stuff like this is happening?! Maybe they don't want to know the answer.

3. As long as we're on the topic of things that bother me all day long, I read Wednesday that Chris Christie, governor of New Jersey, signed into law a ban against gay conversion therapy. Even for homosexual teens who may want to be heterosexual. So let's make sure we have the logic of this perfectly clear. If a boy decides he should be a girl - meaning he's a homosexual boy who wants to be a heterosexual girl - that's just fine. We'll help you along your way and support you. But if a homosexual boy decides he should be a heterosexual boy, then sorry dude - you're on your own. I don't want to get into the ins and outs of either side of the arguments for or against "conversion therapy". The gap in the logic right here should be reason enough for people to take a stand for kids out there who are confused and need guidance! Can someone please explain to me the logic in this??

4. I am constantly seeing people who try to live in their own, new, nontraditional ways. But in being different they all end up conforming to the same "different". Conforming isn't different at all. Living "green" was for a short time the new different. Now it's the way to conform (not that conforming to being "green" is bad). Wanna see a couple who really lives in a different way? Jase and Missy Robertson of the show "Duck Dynasty" were virgins until their wedding night. Gasp! That's crazy! Being a Christian and living it out is now the new different. Seriously. We get more looks walking around as a family of 7 than this guy probably does.

5. One of the difficult things for me as an introvert having 5 kids is the way we are gawked over when we go out. I don't think people are being rude. It's really not them - it's me. I am not comfortable being in the spotlight at all. When we go to a restaurant, I am very aware that people are staring. And our kids are good kids, so people aren't looking because we just brought a bunch of loud, squawking kids in to ruin their nice quiet meal. I don't like eyeballs on me, and it makes me want to go hide in the corner. But you know what? I'm gonna have to get over it. Because that's what happens when you're different - you get looks.

6. We really should carefully consider the version of the Bible we are reading. I mean, this is the Word of God. We put an awful lot of trust in the individual who translates the Word of God for us. Have you ever looked at a verse in the NIV and compared it to, say, the Message Bible? Too often the verse has a whole different meaning to it. The first Bible I ever bought was an Contemporary English Bible. I liked that it used English that was easy for me to understand. I would take it to my Baptist church with me and follow along as the pastor gave his sermon. I was very uncomfortable with the wording used in my Bible compared to the translation he was using. Sometimes it seemed like my translation was saying the opposite of his. The Word of God is Truth. I don't want anyone's interpretation stuck in there ready for me to mistake the author's opinion or interpretation as God's Truth. I'm not saying some of these Bibles aren't a useful way to get a deeper understanding on a particular verse. But don't go all quoting it as if God had said it. This is a good Bible Translations Guide to explain the difference between a translated Bible and one that has the author's interpretation integrated within.

7. Peter started speech therapy this week. He turned two in July, and the pediatrician recommended that we get the state-sponsored child development program to assess his speech (and they decided he needs some help). The therapist comes to our house, and he took right to her. He is using substitution for words (such as snorting instead of speaking a word that he doesn't want to try to say), and he doesn't say the end sounds of words, which seems like all the experts agree could be because he has had ear problems resulting in two sets of tubes so far. The therapist taught me some tactile cues to help him understand some of the sounds he needs to be making. He's already showing signs of learning new sounds, and my husband and I are pretty excited about it! 

Happy Friday!

kristy

7 Quick Takes Friday (#2)

Is it Friday already? I can't believe I made it through the week!

Thanks to Jen at Conversion Diary for hosting 7 Quick Takes Friday.

1. We started football practices this week with my sons. Todd is in tackle football for the first time this year, and Eli is still in flag. There is something about that first tackle practice that was like my son crossed over to the journey of becoming a man. He had to eat a piece of humble pie and do 5 push-ups when he fumbled a ball. During his first practice. He was pretty upset, and he was ready to quit football. But now he has had three practices, and he loves football. I LOVE football, too, so I can't wait to watch their games.

2. I spent a little time eating some humble pie this week myself. Or conviction pie. Either way, it was hard to swallow but I know it will be good in the end.

3. My 4-year old, Isaac, enjoyed a home visit from his pre-K teacher this week. We had to switch preschools this year because our Catholic school shut down in May, and he went to preschool there last year. I am very impressed with this new preschool so far, and I'm really impressed they do a home visit before school starts up in September. At the end of her visit, his teacher, Miss Linda, asked me a few questions about Isaac, including if Isaac had any fears she should know about. Isaac spoke up and told her that he is afraid of the dark and...something else. He acted like he was nervous about this "something else". He finally told her. He is afraid of getting a swirly. She acted like she didn't know what that was, so he explained his understanding of a swirly (which originally came from his older two brothers). "It's when someone sticks your face in the toilet and flushes the toilet and then poops on your head." Unfortunately I couldn't find a table to hide under. And just for the record - he's never had a swirly.

4. Indiana is withdrawing from Common Core! I am so relieved that we won't have to go to D.C. if we don't like what our kids are being taught. Other states are starting to withdrawal, too. Subsidiarity wins, thank God!

5. This video is powerful. Watch the whole video beginning to end. It is amazing to see the change in the countenance of the people being interviewed when they start to realize the state of their souls and their need for a savior.

I used to think there were two kinds of people in the world - those who believe God exists and those who don't believe God exists. But there are probably people who believe there is a God and don't want to admit it because then they'd have to give up their will...they don't believe the promise of the gift of joy in following God. 

6. There was a horrible crime committed against a newborn this week. A woman went into a Kohl's bathroom and gave birth to her child then intentionally murdered it. She was eventually caught and arrested and when she was charged with the crime she had no expression on her face. I cannot believe that a woman could have a child - flesh of her flesh - come out of her and then murder it. It is so dark and twisted. This is a bi-product of abortion, of course. Abortion has devalued the preciousness of human life. Kyrie, eleison!

7. I can't leave on that note. I miss the 80's. Now worries, by the looks of the fashions today, the 80's are making a big comeback. Here is an old classic. "Kyrie" by Mr. Mister. "Kyrie, eleison" is Greek for "Lord, have mercy". Enjoy!

Lyrics:

Kyrie eleison
Kyrie eleison
Kyrie

The wind blows hard against this mountain side
Across the sea into my soul
It reaches into where I cannot hide
Setting my feet upon the road

My heart is old, it holds my memories
My body burns a gemlike flame
Somewhere between the soul and soft machine
Is where I find myself again

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison, where I'm going, will you follow?
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light

When I was young I thought of growing old
Of what my life would mean to me
Would I have followed down my chosen road
Or only wished what I could be

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison, where I'm going, will you follow?
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light

7 Quick Takes Friday (#1)

Thanks to Jen for hosting 7 Quick Takes. I'm excited to join in the fun today!

Protestants struggling to keep Millennials in church. son lays prostate with his priest father. Awesomely funny blog: Momma Knows, Honeychild. New school starts for the older two boys. Jim Gaffigan quote. Thoughts on "sending positive thoughts your way". Pat Robertson devalues the lives of poor children (who are also blessings from God in my Bible!)

1. A message I keep seeing recurring in the evangelical Christian world is that the flashy mega churches aren't working. Sure, they might be bringing people in the doors with their concert-style "sanctuaries" and night club-style worship services and casual lobbies, but what they are teaching people isn't sticking. The youth are falling away at higher and higher numbers. Once they leave their homes and go out on their own, they leave God, too. The Washington Post ran an interesting article about this frightening trend. The author points out that the effort to make Christianity "cool" is not making disciples.

The part that struck me most from the article was the summary in the last paragraph (my emphasis in bold):

As a Millennial, if I’m truly honest with myself, what I really need from the church is not another yes-man entity enabling my hubris and giving me what I want. Rather, what I need is something bigger than me, older than me, bound by a truth that transcends me and a story that will outlast me; basically, something that doesn’t change to fit me and my whims, but changes me to be the Christ-like person I was created to be.

Folks, this is the Catholic Church that people are longing for, and this is why 18 to 30-years olds are converting to Catholicism more now than ever before. They crave the Truth of Jesus that was given to us by Jesus 2,000 years ago and that will not change - cannot change - to fit the world's fleeting whims and trends.

2. I saw this article about Father Patrick Allen, who is the second Episcopal priest in South Carolina to join the Catholic Church through the Anglican ordinariate. The picture of him laying prostate with his son beside him really really blessed me.

I think I need to lay prostate before the Lord. And not because I have five kids who exhaust me most days. Can laity just go and lay prostate before the Lord? Someone who is Catholic - please tell me! I need this!

3. So one of my favorite bloggers, Jennifer Fulwiler, let her readers in on a little gem-of-a-blog called "Mama Knows, Honeychild" Now I have added Heather to my list of favorite bloggers! I read through some of her posts yesterday and I was laughing so hard that I was crying. I even lost my breath and worried for a couple of seconds that my lungs weren't going to be able to inhale. I worried I would die from laughing. Literally. "Warm It Up" especially hit me hard. I cannot tell you how many times we've sat our hineys on the couch and ate fattening snacks while "getting inspired" by watching the "The Biggest Loser". So I knew by the first picture of the blog it was going to be something I could relate to.

4. My sons' Catholic school shut down last year (don't want to talk about it - makes me too sad), so they have started their new school and have been there for a week. It's the closest public elementary school to our house, and we had heard great things about it. So far I've been thrilled about it. And my sons are adjusting pretty well considering. My oldest son says that everyone there is really nice (big sigh of relief for a momma!) I have mixed feelings - super happy about the school, super sad that they don't pray or learn about Jesus during their school day.

5. My new favorite comedian is Jim Gaffigan. Our pediatrician told me about him because he has five kids. I looked him up on the internet, and really liked his acts. He's come out with a new book, My Dad is Fat, and I love that he is bringing attention to the crazy wonderful that comes with a big family. After all, what is the point if you can't laugh (hysterically) at yourself? Here's quote from Jim Gaffigan that I love (emphasis mine): 

“I watch the faces of single people in their twenties after I bring up that I ‘have children.’ I imagine them taking a small step backward as if to avoid contagion, with a look of ‘Sorry to hear that’ on their face. Like I naively volunteered to contract leprosy, forever quarantining myself from the world of having fun by having children.  Well, why not? I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life. I believe each of my five children has made me a better man. So I figure I only need another thirty-four kids to be a pretty decent guy. Each one of them has been a pump of light into my shriveled black heart. I would trade money, sleep, or hair for a smile from one of my children in a heartbeat. Well, it depends on how much hair.”

He gets it.

6. One comment I see over and over on Facebook from my non-Christian friends is something like "sending positive thoughts your way!" This is mostly used to try to comfort others who may have posted that they are having a difficult time with this or that in life. I asked the question, what does this phrase mean? How does one send positive thoughts to another person in such a way that it would benefit the other person? I got all kinds of answers. One person even equated it to telepathy. Someone said I was over thinking the phrase (which is probably true, and as a real nerd I have to over think everything). It seems to me it is just a phrase that people say to say something nice, but it doesn't have any power behind it. I think it is interesting the lengths the world will take to sound like Christianity, but with all fluff and no power. As for me, if I am having a hard time in life, please pray for me. I would appreciate to know that you're thinking about me, but that doesn't really help me with my problem, does it?

7. Boy, Pat Robertson made a lot of people mad this week by insulting the dignity of poor children and taking a dump on the value of their lives (not to mention fanning the flame that is the division between Catholicism and Protestantism). If you didn't catch what he said on his program about birth control and ragamuffin kids, you can catch it here. It is hugely offensive what he said about God-given life, and many people have pointed that out. I'd like to point out something else he did that is anti-Protestantism in a big way. When I was an evangelical Protestant, what your pastor preached was a big deal. He's your pastor, he's your shepherd charged with guiding you through this earthly life. So this woman who wrote to Pat Robinson says her pastor taught that contraception is a sin against God (which it is). And Pat Robertson trumped her pastor and said he was wrong and he didn't even give any Bible verses to back it up. Didn't Pat Robertson just make himself the pope of the Protestants? I mean, who gave him the authority to trump a pastor? Furthermore, what version of the Bible he is getting his answer from? I think Pat Robertson thinks too highly of himself and needs to get his brain back in the Word of God. Division within Christianity makes me ill (and was one of the things that lead me to the Catholic Church), and he is promoting division, he is promoting the killing of children for the idol of self. Maybe he should read Jim Gaffigan's book.

Zoë Allison

I guess I should mention that we had our first baby GIRL (you know, since she's 8 months old now)! She's our first baby girl after four consecutive loud, stinky boys.

She was born November 18th of last year. (Yes, last year. That's how far behind I am.) She looked so much like her brothers when they were born that I accidentally called her a "he" a couple of times to the nurse. I had a hard time getting it through my brain that first day and a half that I had given birth to a daughter this time, not another loud, stinky boy.

Her name is Zoë Allison. Allison is my sister's middle name, and Zoë became "the name" when we found out it is Greek for life. Life. It is a beautiful word that I am still gaining understand of. I do know that life is uh.maze.ing. I just don't think I fully comprehend the depth of that awesomeness, yet.

I was induced with all four of my sons for different reasons. And fitting of a female, Zoë decided to shake things up a little for her entrance into the world. She decided to come on her own a week early. So even though she was baby #5, this was my first dance with that little experience called "going into labor".

It was a Saturday evening and we were going out to eat at Texas Roadhouse with the boys so that we could use the free kids meal coupons they had earned at school from having perfect attendance. I was having contractions that went from 10 minutes apart to 3 minutes apart pretty quickly and fairly regularly. And since this was my fifth baby and I had no idea how fast labor would be without pitocin, the doctor wanted me to go immediately to the hospital. Do not go home. Do not get your clothes. Do not take the four sons to the relative's house. Go. to. the. hospital. now.

It turned out not to be that urgent. I got to the hospital and the contractions slowed waaaaaay down. We decided to stay and be put on pitocin. It seemed like Zoë was determined to do things her own way, and we weren't sure how crazy this girl wanted to do things. We didn't want to go pick up four boys (who were at my bestie's house by now) and drive 45 minutes home just to have to turn around and rush back to the hospital.

Our excitement for the upcoming birth of our first daughter came to a screeching halt. We called my aunt to tell her we were getting ready to have Zoë, and my aunt had some incredibly bad news to tell us. One of our relatives (third cousin) who is the same age as my oldest - 7 years old - was involved in a tragic, freak accident in his grandpa's yard that same day. My aunt had been at the hospital all day with the family. The little boy was on life support at the children's hospital, it didn't look good for him.

My body was numb. I knew instantly that I had to try to shove this news to the back of my mind and the back of my emotions. I couldn't let this make Zoë's birth more difficult for her or me. I did a fairly good job putting it behind me for the moment, but I never lost that numb feeling. It was impossible for me to be excited or feel any of the emotions I felt when I was laboring with the boys.

The birth was smooth and very normal (except for the epidural which caused a spinal fluid leak and therefore a spinal headache that was excrutiating for the next few days and I had to get a blood patch for - but nothing life threatening). I was with a different doctor this time around than I had for the boys, and this was the first time I had given birth in this particular hospital. The epidural was cranked up so much that I couldn't feel anything. I didn't like that. At the last hospital - for all four of the boys - the doctor lessened the epidural enough so that I could feel what was going on "down there". I couldn't feel a thing this time. I couldn't feel that it was time to push. I was just told to push. How is a person supposed to push when you can't even feel muscles with which you are supposed to be pushing?!

So pushing took a lot longer with Zoë. With the boys, I was a champ at pushing. I pushed with Todd (my first) for only ten minutes. Then I pushed twice with Eli and Isaac (and the first push with both of these boys was just a "practice push" so that the doctor could see where they were. During my "practice push" with my fourth son, Peter, I was told to stop pushing so that the doctor could get ready for the delivery, but there was no stopping. I could feel him coming without me pushing, and he basically just fell out. And I'm glad the doctor was able to catch him!

But Zoë liked doing things her own way, and I was going to push and push and push with this girl. I actually got irritated after about 20 minutes of pushing because I really felt like I was out of sorts with the epidural making everything senseless. So I don't know if I could blame the extra pushing on Zoë being the drama princess or if it was the extra power of the epidural. She waited until early the next morning to arrive and was born on Sunday, November 18th. She weighed 8 pounds 1 ounce and was 19 inches long.

I wish I could say I was excited when she was born. My first thought was that she looked Asian, and neither one of us are of Asian decent. We did the kangaroo care, and it was interesting and neat. But when I got to my room she laid there in her bassinet and I felt nothing towards her. And it really scared me. I love being a mom and I love the first days in the hospital getting to know this little person who had been kicking me from the inside over the last few months. I love holding my newborn and kissing that fresh skin over and over and over. But with Zoë the numb emotions made it impossible to enjoy anything. I was going through the motions. She was my fifth child, so I knew what to do and I was just focusing on doing what I was supposed to do to care for her. I prayed to God that He would help me get out of this funk so that I could feel something for my daughter. I was afraid if I didn't feel something towards her soon that I wouldn't ever feel anything towards her. I was really just an emotional wreck over my third cousin. I was crying on and off just thinking about him and the last time we saw him and what his mom must be going through. I prayed for a miracle for him.

He didn't get the miracle I hoped for. On the same day as Zoë's birth - November 18th - my second cousin and his wife had to watch their little boy pass from their arms and from this world. I am still grieving. Every time I celebrate another month with Zoë, I know that his mom is remembering an entirely different kind of anniversary. The anniversary for an event no mom should have to experience. I think there is maybe no other way for it to be for me. This is just the reality of it. I think when we celebrate Zoë's 10th birthday, 20th birthday, 34th birthday I will have the thoughts of the other mom and the son she lost on my heart as I celebrate Zoë's life.

As for the good news - I got over my lack of emotions towards Zoë. I am so glad that it didn't take long - about one day (it was a weird, scary first day for me). Then the emotions came and I fell head over heels in love with this little princess who has brought sweet smells to our family.

Now for some "oooh"s and "aaaaah"s:

Welcome to the planet! One day old.

Cuddling with Isaac

Love this sweetness! 3 months old.

Mom is having fun with BOWS!

Summer swimming at 6 months old

Life is uh.maze.ing!

kristy

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