miscarriage: Sarah Love

Within 10 years we had 6 kids. Because of their age gaps, it's roughly two years between each child. My husband and I try to live our lives with an openness to life, but we have also prayerfully felt for a while that there are many good reasons we should avoid having another baby (as a side note, while we are not both Catholic, neither one of us feel like changing our biology or using other forms of contraception is fully living in God's plan). And with two years per child, we were approaching a mile marker in our lives - we were getting ready to celebrate our youngest child's 2nd birthday at the end of December, and this time we didn't have another pregnancy to announce at the 2nd birthday party. 

Or so we thought. My very regular 28-day cycle was super out of whack in December, and I was not prepared to read my fertility signs properly for a rebel cycle (I was still working on getting properly educated in NFP). Our doctor showed us a chart that calculated our conception date either on or right around our youngest's 2nd birthday.  

I wish I could say I was happy about the positive pregnancy test...that I was instantly excited that God had blessed us with another family member despite our feelings that we shouldn't have any more babies. But I'm human. And I'm self-centered. And I was looking forward to getting rid of weekly babysitter bills and diapers...of maybe having some extra cash for fun trips or a newer, more technically savvy car. I was looking forward to never going back to the toddler stage where they get into EVERYTHING. We had sold our crib two months earlier. I had been losing weight and wasn't happy about putting that on hold or even going backwards in my goals. I was ready for life to "settle down" as much as a family of 8 can settle down. We were dealing with some very tough issues in other areas of our lives, and a baby was certain to make things more difficult. I wasn't sure how much more I could handle.  

But God. When I tremble with fear, God reminds me that I'm not alone. He reminds me how many other times I had been afraid of the new life that was growing in me, and every single time my heart became smitten with the soft skin and the vulnerable eyes that greeted mine the second my babies were born. He reminds me that His plans are ALWAYS infinitely better than I could have ever imagined. And so I held onto that hope that God was in control this time, too. 

My husband was so excited about another baby that he couldn't keep the good news from our kids. They were the first to know. And since they had been asking for a new baby, they were very excited. Their excitement helped to ease my fears, to remind me that this news was good. My daughter, who is 4 years old, is surrounded by a family of only brothers. She would tell us, "I'm SO excited to have a baby sister!" We would remind her that we don't know if it's a girl or a boy. We prepared her that it could be a baby boy. She would never accept our warnings. She only held on to her excitement and joy that a baby sister was on the way. Even our boys eagerly hoped for another girl in the family. 

Then the call came. With early DNA testing that is available now, we were able to find out that our baby had no chromosome issues. And it was a GIRL! I knew everyone would be excited to hear Zoë was going to get the sister she never had and earnestly desired. I knew our boys would be excited to have another sister as well. And I knew their joy would help change my self-centered heart and open it up to the joy of new life that would be coming.

We never really had room for another baby in our lives, but we were ready to make room. Because that's what loves does.  

At 13 weeks, my belly was becoming more and more obvious. We had already told a few people in our closest circles about the baby girl who was growing in me. We had had two ultrasounds that showed our baby girl was growing properly. I was ready to tell everyone else about our baby girl. I work outside the home preparing taxes, and I decided to wait until after March 15th (a big deadline for us) to tell my co-workers and the rest of the world. 

I don't understand everything that happens in life. At 4am on the morning of the 15th, I woke up and felt strange. I got up to go to the bathroom, and was faced with a nightmare that I couldn't make go away. I was having a miscarriage. It happened very suddenly, and I was shocked and confused and heartbroken. My body had betrayed our baby girl. Our baby girl. Oh, how I realized in that moment how much I had truly wanted our baby girl.

It's been 5 days since the initial loss. I don't know if heartbreak fully explains what we are going through. I've combed through Facebook support groups and advice on the internet for ways to process the emotions and sadness and loss I'm feeling. We decided to name our baby girl because as a unique individual, she will always be a part of our hearts and our lives. I look forward to being able to hold her one day in heaven. We named her Sarah Love. It is true that we do not grieve for Sarah. She is with our heavenly Father. She has no pain, no sorrow - only the peace, love and joy that all of us on Earth desire. We grieve for ourselves. We are the ones who have the loss. I'm sad that she was only here a short time with us. I'm sad that I won't get to see each day how much her brothers love Sarah, how she would have brought out the tenderness in them. I'm sad that Zoë won't have the sister she longs for. I'm sad I won't get to kiss her sweet, soft face or hear her giggles. 

We waited until Friday evening to tell the kids so they wouldn't have to go to school with sadness in their hearts and the loss of Sarah on their minds. They are heartbroken as well, but I know they will eventually recover from this quicker than my husband or me. Zoë is only 4, so she is still trying to process everything. She still tells us every day that she wants to hold baby Sarah. We've tried to make a point to talk the last couple of days about Sarah and ask the kids to talk about what they are feeling. To let them know it's ok to be sad. To remind them that none of us have any guarantees about what each day in life will hold, and why that makes it very important that we treat others - especially each of us in our immediate family - with love. With love, we look for ways to turn something horrible into something beautiful. 

the time zoë almost spilled the blood of Jesus

Did I tell you about the time Zoë almost spilled the precious blood of Jesus? She was about 6 or 7 months old, and I took her up for communion with me - just like every other time. Only she had become really grabby, and I forgot all about this new phase of hers. I held her on my left hip while holding the chalice in my right hand. As I was handing the chalice back to the server, she grabbed the rim of the cup and pulled it towards her. I could see the precious blood within centimeters of splashing out. I was so thankful nothing was spilled!

Oh my goodness! Our Lord Jesus shed his blood for us, and my sweet baby almost knocked it to the ground! What if she had spilled it?! Would they wipe it up with a towel? BUT IT'S JESUS' BLOOD! You can't just wipe it up with a towel, can you? Surely it wouldn't be the first time someone had spilled the Blood of Jesus in the last 2,000 years!

Well, as it turns out, there's protocol for this type of thing. So it's probably happened before. Because we've been receiving the blood of Christ for 2,000 years, and babies have been grabbing and pulling at things for even longer.

So here's a quick answer from Catholic Answers to the question, "What is the correct thing to do when the precious blood is spilled during distribution of the Eucharist?" Then read here to answer the related question, "Can you pour out the precious blood?"

And since a person can receive only the host and not the cup and have received the full "body and blood, soul and divinity of Christ", I'll be passing by the chalice the next time I have Zoë on my hip. It'll relieve a little anxiety for me at least.

If this all sounds crazy foreign to you - the way we think of the bread and the wine as being sacred and truly the Body and Blood of Jesus, read John 6. Read all of it. The entire chapter. A lot of people try to explain away John 6 as just being symbolic. You can read commentary explaining why John 6 doesn't mean what John 6 says. I mean, people do mental backwards somersaults to explain it away. The Bible warns us about men who make the Word of God void, "Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that." (Mark 7:13 NIV) Before you read John 6 ask God to reveal the truth of His Word to you. He will.

As some more icing on the cake, here is a little 7-minute video to illustrate how AMAZING WONDERFUL the Eucharist is and what we believe the Bible says about the Body and Blood of Jesus:

40 Days for Life starts tomorrow

A prayer for life. 

Heavenly Father, we have turned our backs on you and your principles in your Word. We have allowed man to usurp Your role as God over life and the number of our days. But we come to you in brokenness and repentance over our sin.   We cry out for Your mercy and ask you to remove the scourge of abortion from our land.   Use us as your vessels, Lord, to bring the light of Your Truth to our nation once again. Because of Christ we pray, Amen. 

Every time I step in front of our local abortion clinic to pray, I can almost feel the spiritual battle taking place. It is very surreal. 

The enemy hates life. He comes only to steal, kill and destroy. And he starts with the innocent in the womb. 

Sign up to join in the spiritual battle. Join others in prayer for life. It does make a difference.  http://www.40daysforlife.com/

kristy

losing baby #8

We got some horrible news at my doctor today. The baby who was growing inside of me no longer has a heartbeat. Before we had a chance to tell the whole world about our newest surprise, we lost the baby.

I went to my OB last Tuesday for my first prenatal visit. It's amazing how things change from one pregnancy to the next. With my other babies we had to wait until around 15 or 18 weeks before we got to see our little blessing on screen. Now my doctor does an ultrasound to confirm a pregnancy on the first prenatal visit. So I got to see our little peanut on the ultrasound machine. He or she was measuring 6 weeks. I could see the heartbeat. The heartbeat measured at 128 beats per minute, which is right where it should be at 6 weeks gestation. It's the smallest little heartbeat I ever did see!

This Tuesday I woke up and saw that I was bleeding. I've had two miscarriages before. I knew this was not a good sign. I called my doctor's office and was told to come in Thursday for an ultrasound.

Today I am 7 weeks along. Before the ultrasound technician even looked for a heartbeat, she measured the baby's size. I saw on the screen that it measured at 6 weeks 1 day. Same as last week. My heart sank but I still held on to hope. Within seconds the ultrasound tech looked for the heartbeat but found none. I cried and held on to my husband.

The option of doing a DNC was offered, but I chose to go through the process of miscarrying naturally. My second miscarriage was at 6 weeks, and I somewhat know what to expect. Over the next week or so my body will cast aside the life that once was.

Today I have such a heavy heart. Over the last two days I've had ample opportunity to go through the questions wondering if I did something to cause this. Did I drink too much caffeine? Is this due to my age? Was I not thankful enough for this gift who was growing inside of me, too focused on the part of my self that I would have to give up to love another baby?

There is one thing I know to be true. My God is a good God. He creates life; He doesn't destroy it. The loss we are suffering now is because sin entered the world. The nature of this world was altered to include death when Adam and Eve believed a lie and brought sin into this world. Some mysteries of this life we will not understand until we get to Heaven. This will be one that we will have to wait on to fully understand.

We had already told our kids that we would be welcoming another baby into our family. So tonight we had to tell them that I had a miscarriage. Our oldest son, Todd, took it the hardest. He loves having brothers and a sister so much, and he was obviously looking forward to loving another sibling. He also understands that "we'll see him or her when we get to Heaven" can feel like an awful. long. time.  He even asked us tonight if we can adopt a brother or sister for him. He's trying to fill the space in his heart that was left now that his baby brother or baby sister is gone.

My husband is my dearest friend. I am so thankful that my husband and I are on the same page when it comes to being open to life. We want to be smart about having more children (whatever that means). Maybe we shouldn't have any more. Maybe we should. We know that right now isn't the time to lament over these decisions, but to mourn our loss and count our blessings. We have been so blessed with five gorgeous, perfectly healthy children. And we will have the opportunity to get to know the souls of our other three children when we meet them in Heaven. 

You can be sure that my kids got extra kisses from me tonight!

Kyrie eleison!
Christe eleison!
Kyrie eleison!

kristy

7 Quick Takes Friday (#3)

Thanks to Jennifer Fulwiler for hosting!

1. This is an awesome story about a man who had a seemingly perfect life. His wife got pregnant with their second child, and they learned the child had Down Syndrome. The man pressured his wife to have an abortion. The rest of the story will require a box of tissues.

It reminds me of a similar story I heard this week on the radio about a dad whose fifth child was born with Down Syndrome. The father on the radio admitted that at first he hoped his daughter would die. The baby had to have some surgeries right after birth, and the mother couldn't take the baby to the operating room. So the father had to take her. He described how his heart was transformed as he walked his new baby girl to the operating room. He began to love her with a deep love, and he cried and cried and begged God to spare his daughter's life. He is now so thankful that he has his daughter with Down Syndrome and recognizes how his daughter has enabled him to love in a fuller way than he ever loved before.

2. I have a problem. I can't read stuff like this and not let it deeply affect me. As in - it affects me all day, all night, and sometimes well into the next couple of days. And then it drives me crazy that no one else seems to care. It makes me want to scream at people (but I don't). I can't help think about this baby being born, and the first thing he wants and needs is the loving embrace and caresses of his mother. Instead he gets thrown in a trash bag and stuffed in the toilet. As a mother, I cannot understand how someone can have their own flesh and blood come out of her body, touch the sweet skin and delicate bones of her infant with her hands and within seconds stuff him in the toilet. Does no one want to get to the bottom of why stuff like this is happening?! Maybe they don't want to know the answer.

3. As long as we're on the topic of things that bother me all day long, I read Wednesday that Chris Christie, governor of New Jersey, signed into law a ban against gay conversion therapy. Even for homosexual teens who may want to be heterosexual. So let's make sure we have the logic of this perfectly clear. If a boy decides he should be a girl - meaning he's a homosexual boy who wants to be a heterosexual girl - that's just fine. We'll help you along your way and support you. But if a homosexual boy decides he should be a heterosexual boy, then sorry dude - you're on your own. I don't want to get into the ins and outs of either side of the arguments for or against "conversion therapy". The gap in the logic right here should be reason enough for people to take a stand for kids out there who are confused and need guidance! Can someone please explain to me the logic in this??

4. I am constantly seeing people who try to live in their own, new, nontraditional ways. But in being different they all end up conforming to the same "different". Conforming isn't different at all. Living "green" was for a short time the new different. Now it's the way to conform (not that conforming to being "green" is bad). Wanna see a couple who really lives in a different way? Jase and Missy Robertson of the show "Duck Dynasty" were virgins until their wedding night. Gasp! That's crazy! Being a Christian and living it out is now the new different. Seriously. We get more looks walking around as a family of 7 than this guy probably does.

5. One of the difficult things for me as an introvert having 5 kids is the way we are gawked over when we go out. I don't think people are being rude. It's really not them - it's me. I am not comfortable being in the spotlight at all. When we go to a restaurant, I am very aware that people are staring. And our kids are good kids, so people aren't looking because we just brought a bunch of loud, squawking kids in to ruin their nice quiet meal. I don't like eyeballs on me, and it makes me want to go hide in the corner. But you know what? I'm gonna have to get over it. Because that's what happens when you're different - you get looks.

6. We really should carefully consider the version of the Bible we are reading. I mean, this is the Word of God. We put an awful lot of trust in the individual who translates the Word of God for us. Have you ever looked at a verse in the NIV and compared it to, say, the Message Bible? Too often the verse has a whole different meaning to it. The first Bible I ever bought was an Contemporary English Bible. I liked that it used English that was easy for me to understand. I would take it to my Baptist church with me and follow along as the pastor gave his sermon. I was very uncomfortable with the wording used in my Bible compared to the translation he was using. Sometimes it seemed like my translation was saying the opposite of his. The Word of God is Truth. I don't want anyone's interpretation stuck in there ready for me to mistake the author's opinion or interpretation as God's Truth. I'm not saying some of these Bibles aren't a useful way to get a deeper understanding on a particular verse. But don't go all quoting it as if God had said it. This is a good Bible Translations Guide to explain the difference between a translated Bible and one that has the author's interpretation integrated within.

7. Peter started speech therapy this week. He turned two in July, and the pediatrician recommended that we get the state-sponsored child development program to assess his speech (and they decided he needs some help). The therapist comes to our house, and he took right to her. He is using substitution for words (such as snorting instead of speaking a word that he doesn't want to try to say), and he doesn't say the end sounds of words, which seems like all the experts agree could be because he has had ear problems resulting in two sets of tubes so far. The therapist taught me some tactile cues to help him understand some of the sounds he needs to be making. He's already showing signs of learning new sounds, and my husband and I are pretty excited about it! 

Happy Friday!

kristy

we all need baptism, including infants

Infant baptism was not one of the big doctrines that lead me to the Catholic Church. I focused on studying theology on things like apostolic succession, visible unity of the church, sacred Tradition, the papacy, and the Eucharist. Once I had these things settled in my mind and my heart - once I saw that Catholicism lined up with Scripture more than any Protestant denomination I had ever been a part of, I looked into things like baptism, prayer of the saints, and contraception (just to name a few). But no Protestant ever asks me about apostolic succession or visible unity of the church or even the Eucharist. I can understand why - as a Protestant I never even heard of these things much less considered them very important. When I'd be in a group talking about the anti-Bibleness of the Catholic Church, people always brought up infant baptism and prayers to the saints. Oh, and Mary worship (which is feels odd to even write this because Catholics don't worship Mary). Now as a convert, infant baptism is often the thing I get questioned about the most.

Baptism was not a big deal to me before. I believed that the Catholic Church relied on this man-made tradition of baptizing infants because they were backwards and never thought it fully out - that Catholics were just mindless sheep doing what they were told to do and never reading the Bible to find out what it actually said about needing to be of an accountable age before you can be baptized. (What I didn't realize is that there was no verse about being at an accountable age before deciding to be baptized.)

When I was learning to evangelize, one of the arguments we prepared for non-believers went something like this, "If I'm wrong about my belief in God, what's the worst that will happen to me? I will have lived a life of love and charity the best I could and then I die and get buried and that's the end of that. But what if you're wrong?" The implication was that if the non-believer was wrong about the good news of the Gospel not being true, well then he was going to have hell to pay for being wrong. This argument was not used to scare people into believing in Jesus, but rather as a way to spur them to some deep thinking on the solidity of their beliefs about truth. The same question rang through my mind when I didn't believe in baptizing infants. What if I'm wrong? As any other parent, my children are precious, priceless gifts to me. The answer to "What if I'm wrong about not baptizing infants?" scared me enough that I wanted to know the other side of the argument to see if truth was there.

This isn't my baby, but it looks just like my Zoë

Catholics aren't the only ones who believe infants should be baptized. There are many Protestant faith traditions that believe in infant baptism - Lutherans, Methodists, Presbyterians, Episcopal/Anglican, Eastern Orthodox and Reformed Christian churches all believe in infant baptism. Of the 800 million Protestant Christians in the world, at least 540 million believe in infant baptism, or 68% of Protestants. Take the entire world of Christianity into consideration - Catholic and non-Catholic - at least 87% of Christians believe in infants baptism. (I came up with these calculations using Wikipedia's number of Christians by faith tradition.) This of course doesn't mean that majority rules. But it is at least worth mentioning. If you are in the 13% minority who do not believe infants should be baptized, do you feel you have some sound evidence to take this position?

Baptism is not optional for salvation. The Bible stresses in verse after verse the necessity of baptism for salvation. In John 3:5 Jesus says, "Verily verily I say to you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit." Mark 16:16 says "He who has believed and has been baptized shall be saved, but he that does not believe will be condemned." 1 Peter 3:21 says baptism saves a person "this water symbolizes baptism that now saves you also - not the removal of dirt from the body but the pledge of a clear conscience toward God. It saves you by the resurrection of Jesus." Peter insists baptism is integral in salvation in Acts 2:38, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins." Acts 22:16 "Arise and be baptized, and wash away your sins, calling on the name of the Lord." In fact, in every instance in the Bible where people learn about Jesus, they are immediately baptized. It wasn't optional.

We are all born with original sin. We can't help it. We inherited our sinful nature from our parents, Adam and Eve. Psalm 51:5 says, "Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me." Ephesians 2:3 says that we're "by nature all children of wrath". Jesus says in John 3:6 that "Flesh gives birth to flesh." We were stained with sin from the beginning. 1 Corinthians 15:21-22 says "death came through a man (Adam)...For as in Adam all die..." Without salvation, our sinful nature inherited from our first parents is a death sentence. It's a death sentence as soon as we enter the earth. Babies need forgiveness. They need it at birth.

The Bible does not exclude infants from the promise of baptism. The objection that is often brought up against infant baptism is that there is no reference to an infant being baptized in the Bible. However, there is no objection to infant baptism in the Bible, either. So if we are to discuss infant baptism, we have to agree that the Bible does not spell out the words "thou shalt not baptize thy infants". Actually the Bible has several verses that show that baptism was not restricted to adults. In Acts 2:38 Peter commands, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." Then in 39 he says (emphasis mine) "This promise is for you and your children..." Jesus himself did not turn away infants when they were brought to Him. In Luke 18:15-16 people brought their infants to Jesus and when the disciples saw this they rebuked the people for bringing their infants (after all, the infants cannot themselves make the decision for Jesus). Jesus corrects them instead welcomes the infants of believers into the kingdom of God, "Let the little children come to me, and do not forbid them, for of such in the kingdom of God." In 1 Corinthians 1:16 Paul says that he baptized the household of Stephanas. 

Jesus instructs the disciples in Matthew 28:19, "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." The term "all nations" has always been understood by Church fathers to exclude infants mean everyone. The promise does not leave infants out.

Baptism is to the New Covenant what circumcision was in the Old Covenant. In Colossians 2:11-12 Paul equates baptism with the old circumcision, saying, "you yourself were circumcised with a circumcision not performed by human hands, by putting of the body of the sins of the flesh by the circumcision of Christ, buried with him in baptism..." Christians have no need for physical circumcision.  They have already received that inward circumcision, that spiritual cleansing of the heart, that is effected by the Holy Spirit, given to us in baptism.

Circumcision under the Abrahamic covenant was applied to infants on the basis of parental faith. Galatians 3:29 says "if you are Christ’s, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise." We've already seen how Paul explains that baptism is the fulfillment of circumcision. 

Now, imagine a father who was Jewish and newly converted to Christianity in 70 A.D. He brings his baby to be included in the kingdom of Jesus Christ, the fulfillment of the covenant of his father Abraham. Do you think the Apostles would have turned away his baby because his baby could not choose Christ for himself? Of course not! If it were so, then the man would have been turned off by the new covenant, which was preached as a fulfillment of - as better than - the old. Infants were included in the old covenant. They are not to be turned away in the new covenant, which is a better covenant than the old.

Please don't get me wrong. I am not claiming that baptism alone will save someone. But it is necessary.

Baptism is a sacrament, which means it is  given to us by Jesus to give us a powerful grace in our lives. Remember, it is only by God's grace that any of us have faith, adult or child or infant. And for an adult or an infant, faith should grow after baptism. The faith required for baptism is not a perfect and mature faith. 

I hope I've at least spurred an interest in some to investigate further into the theology behind infant baptism. If I'm wrong that infant baptism is right and true (I don't believe I'm wrong, but let's just ask for argument's sake), what's the worst that would happen? But if you believe it's wrong to baptize infants, what if you're wrong?

And here's a little completely interesting fact. Do you know how Catholics dip their finger in holy water when they enter and leave church? There's meaning behind it! It's to remind us of our baptism! I get sooooo excited about this. I love the opportunity to relive, in a way, my baptism each and every time I go to church and to remind myself that I am His.

Some additional resources: 

http://www.scripturecatholic.com/baptism.html

http://www.catholic.com/tracts/infant-baptism

http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/02258b.htm

And, of course the CCC (with Bible references) - start in the section called "The Sacraments of Christian Initiation."

Kyrie, eleison
Christe, eleison
Kyrie, eleison

Zoë Allison

I guess I should mention that we had our first baby GIRL (you know, since she's 8 months old now)! She's our first baby girl after four consecutive loud, stinky boys.

She was born November 18th of last year. (Yes, last year. That's how far behind I am.) She looked so much like her brothers when they were born that I accidentally called her a "he" a couple of times to the nurse. I had a hard time getting it through my brain that first day and a half that I had given birth to a daughter this time, not another loud, stinky boy.

Her name is Zoë Allison. Allison is my sister's middle name, and Zoë became "the name" when we found out it is Greek for life. Life. It is a beautiful word that I am still gaining understand of. I do know that life is uh.maze.ing. I just don't think I fully comprehend the depth of that awesomeness, yet.

I was induced with all four of my sons for different reasons. And fitting of a female, Zoë decided to shake things up a little for her entrance into the world. She decided to come on her own a week early. So even though she was baby #5, this was my first dance with that little experience called "going into labor".

It was a Saturday evening and we were going out to eat at Texas Roadhouse with the boys so that we could use the free kids meal coupons they had earned at school from having perfect attendance. I was having contractions that went from 10 minutes apart to 3 minutes apart pretty quickly and fairly regularly. And since this was my fifth baby and I had no idea how fast labor would be without pitocin, the doctor wanted me to go immediately to the hospital. Do not go home. Do not get your clothes. Do not take the four sons to the relative's house. Go. to. the. hospital. now.

It turned out not to be that urgent. I got to the hospital and the contractions slowed waaaaaay down. We decided to stay and be put on pitocin. It seemed like Zoë was determined to do things her own way, and we weren't sure how crazy this girl wanted to do things. We didn't want to go pick up four boys (who were at my bestie's house by now) and drive 45 minutes home just to have to turn around and rush back to the hospital.

Our excitement for the upcoming birth of our first daughter came to a screeching halt. We called my aunt to tell her we were getting ready to have Zoë, and my aunt had some incredibly bad news to tell us. One of our relatives (third cousin) who is the same age as my oldest - 7 years old - was involved in a tragic, freak accident in his grandpa's yard that same day. My aunt had been at the hospital all day with the family. The little boy was on life support at the children's hospital, it didn't look good for him.

My body was numb. I knew instantly that I had to try to shove this news to the back of my mind and the back of my emotions. I couldn't let this make Zoë's birth more difficult for her or me. I did a fairly good job putting it behind me for the moment, but I never lost that numb feeling. It was impossible for me to be excited or feel any of the emotions I felt when I was laboring with the boys.

The birth was smooth and very normal (except for the epidural which caused a spinal fluid leak and therefore a spinal headache that was excrutiating for the next few days and I had to get a blood patch for - but nothing life threatening). I was with a different doctor this time around than I had for the boys, and this was the first time I had given birth in this particular hospital. The epidural was cranked up so much that I couldn't feel anything. I didn't like that. At the last hospital - for all four of the boys - the doctor lessened the epidural enough so that I could feel what was going on "down there". I couldn't feel a thing this time. I couldn't feel that it was time to push. I was just told to push. How is a person supposed to push when you can't even feel muscles with which you are supposed to be pushing?!

So pushing took a lot longer with Zoë. With the boys, I was a champ at pushing. I pushed with Todd (my first) for only ten minutes. Then I pushed twice with Eli and Isaac (and the first push with both of these boys was just a "practice push" so that the doctor could see where they were. During my "practice push" with my fourth son, Peter, I was told to stop pushing so that the doctor could get ready for the delivery, but there was no stopping. I could feel him coming without me pushing, and he basically just fell out. And I'm glad the doctor was able to catch him!

But Zoë liked doing things her own way, and I was going to push and push and push with this girl. I actually got irritated after about 20 minutes of pushing because I really felt like I was out of sorts with the epidural making everything senseless. So I don't know if I could blame the extra pushing on Zoë being the drama princess or if it was the extra power of the epidural. She waited until early the next morning to arrive and was born on Sunday, November 18th. She weighed 8 pounds 1 ounce and was 19 inches long.

I wish I could say I was excited when she was born. My first thought was that she looked Asian, and neither one of us are of Asian decent. We did the kangaroo care, and it was interesting and neat. But when I got to my room she laid there in her bassinet and I felt nothing towards her. And it really scared me. I love being a mom and I love the first days in the hospital getting to know this little person who had been kicking me from the inside over the last few months. I love holding my newborn and kissing that fresh skin over and over and over. But with Zoë the numb emotions made it impossible to enjoy anything. I was going through the motions. She was my fifth child, so I knew what to do and I was just focusing on doing what I was supposed to do to care for her. I prayed to God that He would help me get out of this funk so that I could feel something for my daughter. I was afraid if I didn't feel something towards her soon that I wouldn't ever feel anything towards her. I was really just an emotional wreck over my third cousin. I was crying on and off just thinking about him and the last time we saw him and what his mom must be going through. I prayed for a miracle for him.

He didn't get the miracle I hoped for. On the same day as Zoë's birth - November 18th - my second cousin and his wife had to watch their little boy pass from their arms and from this world. I am still grieving. Every time I celebrate another month with Zoë, I know that his mom is remembering an entirely different kind of anniversary. The anniversary for an event no mom should have to experience. I think there is maybe no other way for it to be for me. This is just the reality of it. I think when we celebrate Zoë's 10th birthday, 20th birthday, 34th birthday I will have the thoughts of the other mom and the son she lost on my heart as I celebrate Zoë's life.

As for the good news - I got over my lack of emotions towards Zoë. I am so glad that it didn't take long - about one day (it was a weird, scary first day for me). Then the emotions came and I fell head over heels in love with this little princess who has brought sweet smells to our family.

Now for some "oooh"s and "aaaaah"s:

Welcome to the planet! One day old.

Cuddling with Isaac

Love this sweetness! 3 months old.

Mom is having fun with BOWS!

Summer swimming at 6 months old

Life is uh.maze.ing!

kristy

(I'm posting every day this week. For a list of other bloggers doing the same check out this list.)

forever blessings

I never wanted a lot of kids.  "A lot of kids" is a relative term, but four (soon to be five) children is a lot to me.  The first two were "planned", and the last three were surprises.  It's easy to let the busy-ness of life and the stress that comes with having little children dissuade me from having more.  I'm getting older, and so I probably won't "plan" any more children after #5 arrives.  But looking back, I wouldn't have planned #4, either (whose conception happened at a very difficult time in life).  And now that #4 is here, I can't imagine life without him.  He completes our family.  That's how it's been each time a new baby arrives.  And so now I know and understand that #5 will complete our family even more.  In fact, with each new addition - planned or unplanned - our family gets better.  Better than we would have ever been able to imagine.  


Life is amazing.  And the thing with life is this - it's forever.  Our family gets better on a permanent, forever basis.  What could possibly be more incredible than a blessing that lasts forever?  It's so easy to get stuck in the here and now and say we can't take on any more family members.  But when we look at the big scope of life, if God wants our family to be blessed with more tiny family members, it will always make our family better.  I'm not ignoring the reality of the struggles and trials of this life, but struggles and trials are temporary and will be there no matter if we have two kids or five.  The blessings of a child is forever.  

my forever blessings - Todd (7), Isaac (3), Peter (1) and Eli (5)

photo by Leslie Elder of Letography

peace and love,
kristy

it's a girl!

I went for my regular monthly appointment at 12 weeks.  They did an ultrasound, and the ultrasound technician said early into the ultrasound, "This baby is bigger than 12 weeks."  Shocker #1 for the day - I was actually 15 and a half weeks along instead of 12 weeks like I thought.  I asked her is she'd be able to tell what the sex was.  She replied pretty quickly she could, and it sounded like she got a good view as soon as I asked.  Then she stopped herself and asked me, "What a minute.  What do you have at home?"  I laughed and told her I have 4 boys (I laugh because it still sounds like a lot to me).  She said, "Well, then let me double check....yep, it's a girl!"  It was an early ultrasound, but she said she was 95% confident that we're having a girl this time.  We even saw the "three little lines".  No turtle there :)  Oh, and everything else looks perfect at this point.  We'll be going for another ultrasound to get a better look at her when she's bigger.

I was actually a little freaked out at first about the idea of having a girl.  Then I realized all of the extra stuff that goes into having a girl - hair bows, tights, bloomers (are they called bloomers still?) - and then I really had a minor moment of anxiety.  But this was 6 weeks ago that we found out, so now it's settled in.  And everyone is very excited.  I got a great deal on a crib purchased from someone on craigslist, and my husband bought a couple of sweet outfits for her while making a Target run last week.  My oldest son is 7 and a half now.  He tells everyone we run into when we're out that we're having a baby girl.  He is the most excited about this newest addition who is joining our family!

We are discussing names, and we keep going back to the same girl name we considered before we knew our first child was a boy.  My husband cannot commit on a name, yet, so I won't announce it until he commits.  

Oh, yes - and the due date has been moved from December 20th to November 24th.  She'll be a Thanksgiving baby instead of a Christmas baby!

kristy

baby #5, oh my!

Surprise, surprise, baby #5 is on the way!  


One of these days I'm going to take a class on NFP (Natural Family Planning).  We were on course to take a class once my cycles started back after having our fourth son.  My cycle started in February, and the next NFP class after that was scheduled to start in April.  We couldn't make it to the class.  My fertility happened again.


We all grow up with pictures in our mind of what our lives might be like when we "grow up".  I never ever thought I'd have five kids.  I think I wanted a boy and a girl and that was it.  You know - the perfect little family.  HA!  Four boys later, we are surprised with another bundle of joy brewing in the oven.


I'd love to say I am always positive and when I get surprises like this my first thoughts are of the wonders and joys of children and how they are such a blessing.  No, not me.  I like to think of myself of a "planner".  I say I like to think of myself as a planner because lately it seems like nothing in my life is planned or goes as I've planned.  But internally, my instinct...the very makeup of who I am - I like to have things planned.  So when I discovered I was having another baby, my world started spinning.  How are we going to do this?  Where are we going to put another baby?  How am I going to handle two babies 17 months apart?  How will I ever feel happy about this baby?!


I kept the news quiet for a couple of weeks (except for sharing the news with my DH, of course).  I just needed to ponder things in my heart for a while before discussing it with other people.  During this time I thanked God for the new blessing and prayed for the baby to be healthy.  I also had my pity parties - I wondered why do I have to be so darn fertile?!  Then I'd remember the dear women who are suffering - deeply suffering - from infertility, and I'd repent and ask God for forgiveness for being so self-centered.  During this time I'd remember how sweet newborn babies are, and I'd get excited about getting to have another of my own in my arms.  Then I'd stress about only having three bedrooms in our house now and get down about not having room for another baby.  This was a time of working through many emotions.


I was nervous to tell people.  No one in any of my circles of friends, coworkers, or family (save a few) have 5 kids.  In my social circles it is socially weird to have 5 kids.  What will people say about this?  Even worse - what will they say behind my back?  (I tend to get a little over paranoid when it comes to caring what people think about me.  I'm working on it.)  


I eventually told everyone, and it's been fine.  Just fine.  Besides just shocking people (who has 5 kids nowadays anyways?), everyone has been supportive.  


I planned my life to be very nice and neat and perfect when I was younger.  The thing is - those were MY plans.  Giving control over to God is so incredibly hard, no matter what area it is in life.  Every time I am surprised by a pregnancy, my plans get blown away.  Then I find peace in aligning my plans with God's.  And every time one of my "unplanned" babies are born, my life becomes better.  I become better.  I become more complete.  God is funny that way.  His plans are always better than ours.


kristy

Peter Francis

We welcomed Peter Francis into our family on July 1, 2011!  He weighed 6 pounds 12 ounces and was 20.5 inches long.  He is 9 weeks old tomorrow, and he has chunked up quite a bit since this picture was taken.  I can't wait to see how much he has gained at his next check-up.  

Peter is the sweetest baby.  He is already sleeping through the night (and has been for several weeks!), and he never complains unless he's hungry or tired.  And he usually doesn't even cry when he's tired - he just falls asleep silently.  I can't imagine having a better baby!

I miss my blogs.  Peter is our fourth boy, and I just don't know where people find the time to read or write blogs.  Maybe my time management skills could be tuned up.  I went back to work full-time six weeks after Peter was born, my husband gained employment after being unemployed for 14 months, we sold our house and moved into another house, and one of our cars died a horrible death.  It's too bad life doesn't stop for a while when these little miracles are born so we can soak up all that is marvelous about them.

kristy