miscarriage: Sarah Love

Within 10 years we had 6 kids. Because of their age gaps, it's roughly two years between each child. My husband and I try to live our lives with an openness to life, but we have also prayerfully felt for a while that there are many good reasons we should avoid having another baby (as a side note, while we are not both Catholic, neither one of us feel like changing our biology or using other forms of contraception is fully living in God's plan). And with two years per child, we were approaching a mile marker in our lives - we were getting ready to celebrate our youngest child's 2nd birthday at the end of December, and this time we didn't have another pregnancy to announce at the 2nd birthday party. 

Or so we thought. My very regular 28-day cycle was super out of whack in December, and I was not prepared to read my fertility signs properly for a rebel cycle (I was still working on getting properly educated in NFP). Our doctor showed us a chart that calculated our conception date either on or right around our youngest's 2nd birthday.  

I wish I could say I was happy about the positive pregnancy test...that I was instantly excited that God had blessed us with another family member despite our feelings that we shouldn't have any more babies. But I'm human. And I'm self-centered. And I was looking forward to getting rid of weekly babysitter bills and diapers...of maybe having some extra cash for fun trips or a newer, more technically savvy car. I was looking forward to never going back to the toddler stage where they get into EVERYTHING. We had sold our crib two months earlier. I had been losing weight and wasn't happy about putting that on hold or even going backwards in my goals. I was ready for life to "settle down" as much as a family of 8 can settle down. We were dealing with some very tough issues in other areas of our lives, and a baby was certain to make things more difficult. I wasn't sure how much more I could handle.  

But God. When I tremble with fear, God reminds me that I'm not alone. He reminds me how many other times I had been afraid of the new life that was growing in me, and every single time my heart became smitten with the soft skin and the vulnerable eyes that greeted mine the second my babies were born. He reminds me that His plans are ALWAYS infinitely better than I could have ever imagined. And so I held onto that hope that God was in control this time, too. 

My husband was so excited about another baby that he couldn't keep the good news from our kids. They were the first to know. And since they had been asking for a new baby, they were very excited. Their excitement helped to ease my fears, to remind me that this news was good. My daughter, who is 4 years old, is surrounded by a family of only brothers. She would tell us, "I'm SO excited to have a baby sister!" We would remind her that we don't know if it's a girl or a boy. We prepared her that it could be a baby boy. She would never accept our warnings. She only held on to her excitement and joy that a baby sister was on the way. Even our boys eagerly hoped for another girl in the family. 

Then the call came. With early DNA testing that is available now, we were able to find out that our baby had no chromosome issues. And it was a GIRL! I knew everyone would be excited to hear Zoë was going to get the sister she never had and earnestly desired. I knew our boys would be excited to have another sister as well. And I knew their joy would help change my self-centered heart and open it up to the joy of new life that would be coming.

We never really had room for another baby in our lives, but we were ready to make room. Because that's what loves does.  

At 13 weeks, my belly was becoming more and more obvious. We had already told a few people in our closest circles about the baby girl who was growing in me. We had had two ultrasounds that showed our baby girl was growing properly. I was ready to tell everyone else about our baby girl. I work outside the home preparing taxes, and I decided to wait until after March 15th (a big deadline for us) to tell my co-workers and the rest of the world. 

I don't understand everything that happens in life. At 4am on the morning of the 15th, I woke up and felt strange. I got up to go to the bathroom, and was faced with a nightmare that I couldn't make go away. I was having a miscarriage. It happened very suddenly, and I was shocked and confused and heartbroken. My body had betrayed our baby girl. Our baby girl. Oh, how I realized in that moment how much I had truly wanted our baby girl.

It's been 5 days since the initial loss. I don't know if heartbreak fully explains what we are going through. I've combed through Facebook support groups and advice on the internet for ways to process the emotions and sadness and loss I'm feeling. We decided to name our baby girl because as a unique individual, she will always be a part of our hearts and our lives. I look forward to being able to hold her one day in heaven. We named her Sarah Love. It is true that we do not grieve for Sarah. She is with our heavenly Father. She has no pain, no sorrow - only the peace, love and joy that all of us on Earth desire. We grieve for ourselves. We are the ones who have the loss. I'm sad that she was only here a short time with us. I'm sad that I won't get to see each day how much her brothers love Sarah, how she would have brought out the tenderness in them. I'm sad that Zoë won't have the sister she longs for. I'm sad I won't get to kiss her sweet, soft face or hear her giggles. 

We waited until Friday evening to tell the kids so they wouldn't have to go to school with sadness in their hearts and the loss of Sarah on their minds. They are heartbroken as well, but I know they will eventually recover from this quicker than my husband or me. Zoë is only 4, so she is still trying to process everything. She still tells us every day that she wants to hold baby Sarah. We've tried to make a point to talk the last couple of days about Sarah and ask the kids to talk about what they are feeling. To let them know it's ok to be sad. To remind them that none of us have any guarantees about what each day in life will hold, and why that makes it very important that we treat others - especially each of us in our immediate family - with love. With love, we look for ways to turn something horrible into something beautiful. 

the time zoë almost spilled the blood of Jesus

Did I tell you about the time Zoë almost spilled the precious blood of Jesus? She was about 6 or 7 months old, and I took her up for communion with me - just like every other time. Only she had become really grabby, and I forgot all about this new phase of hers. I held her on my left hip while holding the chalice in my right hand. As I was handing the chalice back to the server, she grabbed the rim of the cup and pulled it towards her. I could see the precious blood within centimeters of splashing out. I was so thankful nothing was spilled!

Oh my goodness! Our Lord Jesus shed his blood for us, and my sweet baby almost knocked it to the ground! What if she had spilled it?! Would they wipe it up with a towel? BUT IT'S JESUS' BLOOD! You can't just wipe it up with a towel, can you? Surely it wouldn't be the first time someone had spilled the Blood of Jesus in the last 2,000 years!

Well, as it turns out, there's protocol for this type of thing. So it's probably happened before. Because we've been receiving the blood of Christ for 2,000 years, and babies have been grabbing and pulling at things for even longer.

So here's a quick answer from Catholic Answers to the question, "What is the correct thing to do when the precious blood is spilled during distribution of the Eucharist?" Then read here to answer the related question, "Can you pour out the precious blood?"

And since a person can receive only the host and not the cup and have received the full "body and blood, soul and divinity of Christ", I'll be passing by the chalice the next time I have Zoë on my hip. It'll relieve a little anxiety for me at least.

If this all sounds crazy foreign to you - the way we think of the bread and the wine as being sacred and truly the Body and Blood of Jesus, read John 6. Read all of it. The entire chapter. A lot of people try to explain away John 6 as just being symbolic. You can read commentary explaining why John 6 doesn't mean what John 6 says. I mean, people do mental backwards somersaults to explain it away. The Bible warns us about men who make the Word of God void, "Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that." (Mark 7:13 NIV) Before you read John 6 ask God to reveal the truth of His Word to you. He will.

As some more icing on the cake, here is a little 7-minute video to illustrate how AMAZING WONDERFUL the Eucharist is and what we believe the Bible says about the Body and Blood of Jesus:

Apparently now we don't have to believe in God to get to Heaven!

Did you hear the one where the Pope wrote a newspaper and said you don't have to believe in God to go to Heaven? 

Pope Francis said nothing new. 

This has been in the Catechism for I don't know how long. Here's the deal - a snippet of a quote from his 2,500-word letter has been grabbed and taken out of context. Why? Why would reporters do this? Maybe because they are looking for the Catholic Church to change.

The media. The media who hates Christianity and everything that it stands for. The media who hates anyone who is pro-life or who stands for traditional marriage. This is who you trust for your Catholic theology? The media grabs on to what they think drives their agenda, and their agenda isn't the teachings of the Catholic Church. 

The Catholic Church stands for truth and won't change according to the whims of the world. And the media and the world HATES this. So they hold on to every snippet of a quote that may point to the fall of the Catholic Church as we know it. Because this would mean the rise of their agendas.

This stuff drives me bonkers. Then again, maybe I'm underestimating Pope Francis and his brilliant plan to use the media.

Leila Miller at the Little Catholic Bubble has a great series called "Little Teachings", and she addresses the question, "Can non-Catholics be saved?" As she emphatically states, 

There is no salvation except through Christ Jesus, and it is simply impossible for anyone to get to Heaven without Him.

And this is not a contradiction to what Pope Francis wrote in his recent letter.

Let's think of this in another way. I'll use an example. Amy reads in the Bible that love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). Amy is a brand new Christian, and since she hasn't been in church long or read the Bible very much yet she interprets this verse to mean it's fine to sin all she wants. Jesus' love will cover it. But Amy is wrong. She hasn't read that verse with the context of the entire Bible, so she in mis-interpreting it. 

The same is true of what many non-Catholics are doing with Pope Francis' recent statements. The statements are snatched out and interpreted without an understanding of Catholic theology. The pope is not saying that you can get to heaven without Jesus. I know that's what it sounds like, but that's not what he's saying at all.

But you shouldn't just take my word on the matter. Search it for yourself. Catholicism is the oldest Christian faith, the biggest Christian faith, and the only Christian church who claims to have been started by Jesus himself. Isn't it worth further investigation?

And for God's sake, don't get your Catholic teaching from the unbelieving world or the general media.

Leila's post that talks about the salvation of non-Catholics and non-believers isn't a full teaching on the matter, but it is a really, really, really good way for a quick start to understanding this topic (as are her other little teachings). Please read Leila's teaching (from a year and a half ago), and read what the Pope really said in his letter to fully understand what was said. And here's a good piece from the National Catholic Register that also goes into what Pope Francis wrote. That is - if you really want to understand what Pope Francis was saying in his letter. Or you could just go on being ill-informed and using snippets of quotes from the Pope to use against him and the Catholic Church. Either way, it's your choice.

Jesus gave us the Catholic Church to help guide us while we're here on Earth. He built his Church and promised that the gates of Hell would not prevail against it. Jesus always keeps his word. He's pretty awesome that way.

kristy

on unity

Seeing that unity was the will of Jesus is one of the main reasons that I came home to the Catholic Church. 

One thing that always bothered me once I got serious about Christianity and started attending a Southern Baptist was the denominations within Christianity. The wonderful people I met in my new church were very helpful in teaching me the importance of the Bible. We had a wonderful youth group, and I learned more about the Bible than I had ever known before. It became part of my life. A part that I couldn't live without.

There was one Holy Bible - the inspired Word of God. Yet there are an estimated 8,000...or 30,000 denominations. I get dizzy at some of the figures I see, but the latest Wikipedia reports 41,000 denominations, so I'll go with 41,000. To be correct - it's actually 41,000 and counting. Churches aren't finished splitting. I could not reconcile how one Holy Word of God could translate into 41,000 denominations. Every single one of those 41,000 use the same Bible, and every single one of them would say they were the most accurate in their interpretation of Scripture. 

Does anyone else think that maybe someone might be wrong here? How on earth could 41,000 people be right using one Bible?! The Bible is THE WORD OF GOD!! And God isn't schizophrenic. There is only one Truth. And 41,000 denominations. It just doesn't add up.

One day I read some passages in John 17. I am sure I had read them before, but for the first time I really saw them for what they were (emphasis mine). 

“I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word; that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me. And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one: I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me." ~John 17:20-23 (NKJ)

This is Jesus' prayer after the last supper, right before He was betrayed by Judas. Luke's account of this time of prayer says that Jesus' sweat was like drops of blood. This was a very difficult time for Him as He prepared for His sacrifice. And he prayed for us. For us to be one. He cared that much about the unity of His believers - Christians. Not only that, but He also prayed in the following passage of John 17 for the Apostles - the leaders of His church - to be one.

Jesus' will is for us to be one. Disunity is against His will. I believe it grieves Him to see the state of disunity within His bride, the church. I don't want to be out of Jesus' will. I don't want to grieve Jesus.

3,000,000 Catholics participate in Mass in Brazil.
What a statement of hope to the world!

I've heard the response that we all somehow share in an invisible unity by being believers in Christ. Yet Protestants can't join worship services for a month before they start arguing about interpretations or who our leader will be. And then they split over disagreements. I think this "invisible unity" is a way to justify the status quo. I wonder what the world thinks about the unity of Christians? As the author of the blog Carpe Veritatem writes, "[divisions] causes people to look at us and say, 'How can Christianity be true, they can't even agree amongst themselves!'"

Human pride has caused the body of Christ to divide. I don't blame one side or the other - the pride and resulting problems started before 1517. Please read on at Carpe Veritatem posts about unity between denominations. There are 7 parts to the topic, and the author describes in more detail the unity that Christ desires and why we have the divisions that we currently have.

This is a huge topic to my heart, and I wonder if there are people "out there" who have given division within the body of Christ any thought? How do you think we can achieve unity within the body of believers?

kristy

authenticity and truth

There was a refreshing opinion piece written at the New York Post, "Mass Appeal". A million people are in Brazil this week for World Youth Day. It makes sense that a million young people would gather in the nation with the largest Catholic population to see the world's first latin American pope. But the author points out the large attendance at previous World Youth Days.

In a world where we continuously hear the mantra that the Church is irrelevant and outdated, how can World Youth Day continuously draw large numbers of attendees?

"Then again, maybe the anything-goes culture that so many of our young people are growing up in hasn’t been as uniformly delightful as we’ve been led to believe. Perhaps some have tasted the loneliness and emptiness Pope Francis spoke of in Brazil."

The world makes all sorts of promises to our youth of happiness in possessions and prosperity. But young people are left disillusioned and empty after obtaining these promises. They long for something more.

They may be unable to explain the theological details, but they plainly thirst for authenticity and truth, of the kind that sustains those who have nothing and can fulfill those who can find themselves bored and self-destructive because they have too much.

Truth cannot be found in shopping malls.
Truth cannot be found in fancy new cars.
Truth cannot be found in partying and having a good time.
Truth cannot be found in your boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse.
Truth cannot be found on Facebook.
Truth cannot be found in your 401(k).
Truth can only be found in Christ.
Truth can only be found in Christ.

kristy

the beautiful grace of confession

A dear Evangelical Protestant friend asked me,

"I have always wondered about confession. We have a direct line to God, so why do Catholics need a priest to absolve their sins? Why does the priest have this power to forgive on God's behalf?"

GREAT question!

I wondered the same thing for many years. I thought, "Oh those poor deceived Catholics and their man-made rituals - they don't even realize they could just go straight to God to confess their sins." I thought that the Catholic Church had at some point in history invented this man-made ritual of confessing their sins to a priest when what the Bible really said was that you could go straight to God to have your sins forgiven.

The Catholic Church teaches that you can go directly to God for forgiveness of sins. Yes, you read that correctly. Technically, you don't have to go to a priest to have your sins forgiven. You can go straight to God through our "direct line".

I hope you don't think I'm kidding. I didn't believe it myself when I first learned this.

We can go directly to God, but because of our fleshly nature, Jesus gave us another way to help us with special graces granted by God.

Jesus instituted the Sacrament of Penance on the first Easter right after He appeared to the Apostles. In John 20:21 Jesus says to the Apostles, "As the Father has sent Me, I also send you." Here Jesus passes on His authority to the Apostles to forgive sins.

John 20:22-23 goes on, "And when He had said this, He breathed on them, and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained." The only other moment in the Bible where God breathes on man is in Genesis 2:7 when God "breathes" life into man. When this happens in Genesis, there is a significant transformation.

In order for the Apostles (this is where I should mention that today's Catholic bishops are direct succession to the Apostles, which can be traced back through history) to exercise this gift of forgiving sins, the penitents must orally communicate their sins to the Apostles (they aren't mind readers).

So I've just shown where the Bible tells us that we are to confess our sins to a priest, and Jesus in fact instructs us to do so. Can we go to God directly? Sure! So why should we confess our sins to a priest?

Let me pause for a moment and tell you about a growing trend in Evangelical Protestantism. A popular mens group, Promise Keepers, was started in 1990 and brought back the idea of accountability for the purpose of breaking the strongholds of addiction that sin can take on us when we keep sins hidden. Since then, other Christian groups have caught hold of this idea of accountability. You can mostly find confession to an accountability partner encouraged in cases of frequent, recurring sin, often times when the sin has taken root and lead to sinful addictions.

For example, on the "Confession and Accountability" section of Pure Life Ministry's website, ministers emphasize the importance of accountability when it comes to overcoming sexual addictions. They stress is in absolutely key to escaping the darkness that comes with hidden sin. Unconfessed sin leads to self deception about their sin, which in turn causes them to be "quite satisfied with their current spiritual progress, they don't see their need to repent, nor do they even detect the weight of sin which has stagnated their walk with the Lord." (from "The Weight of Unconfessed Sin")

The trend of rising popularity of Accountability Partners in Protestant faiths is due to a timeless truth - the special graces given to us by God - also fully available in the Sacrament of Confession instituted by Jesus on the first Easter. We can confess our sins directly to God, but He also give us a special grace through His Sacrament of Confession. Some benefits of this special grace of confession are:

• genuine self-knowledge is increased
• Christian humility grows
• bad habits are corrected
• spiritual neglect and tepidity are resisted
• the conscience is purified
• the will strengthened
• a salutary self-control is attained
• grace is increased in virtue of the sacrament itself

I cannot condemn Accountability Partner for Protestants. In fact, I feel they are a type of the real thing. But I'd rather have the fullness encompassed in the real thing - confession as it was designed  by Jesus. I can tell you from experience that the grace God gives through this sacrament is extremely liberating. By the grace of God I have been able to overcome sins which had become habitual. Jesus knew it would be this way - that confession to a priest would be a special grace in our lives - and He gave it to us out of His perfect love.

I hope this clarifies questions that may arise about the sacrament of confession. Feel free to bring up any further questions you have. I know this is a lot to chew on, and I'm quite sure that my brief explanation will not answer all questions about the sacrament of penance!

kristy

a glimpse of what unity looks like

Once upon a time a long time ago I tried to understand denominations. When I gave my life to Jesus at a Southern Baptist youth convention at the age of 15, I didn't have any information about church history. All I saw were lots of good, well-meaning Christians attending their individual churches and doing their own thing. They each had their church camp. They each had their youth conventions. I didn't understand why the Southern Baptists didn't go to the same church camp as Methodists or Presbyterians or the Church of Christ believers. Why did we all have our separate youth conventions? I didn't know what Methodists or any of the other denominations even believed nor how it was different from what I believed. And on top of that - we all believe in the same Bible! How can one book lead to so many different beliefs?

This lead me to wonder if I could really be in the right church if I didn't know what the other denominations taught. Would I need a degree in theology to determine the right denomination? Furthermore, where were denominations even in the Bible? No one talked about it much, and as an introvert I pondered these things in my heart without asking these questions. I would ask God about these things, with no answer (well, He began to slowly reveal an answer about 14 years later when an evangelical Catholic I worked with said, "Imagine what we could do against evil if we were united!)

The word "unity" never entered my ears as a young believer. Maybe I thought we were all united by the bond of our faith in Jesus. But this unity is not a true unity. One doesn't have to go through too many church splits (I've experience two church splits myself and one happened after I left a church and one happened to a church before we joined - that's 4 out of 5 Protestant churches we belonged to that I know had gone through a church split!) to figure out there ain't much unity going on within the body of Christ. This invisible "unity" was more of a common trait - the common trait of believing in Christ - than anything that bonded people together as one body.

So what does the Bible say about unity? In John 17:20-23 Jesus prays before his death that all believers would be one so that "the world may believe that you sent me". Jesus refers to his church as the kingdom of God and the kingdom of heaven many times through the Bible and in Matthew 12:25 Jesus warns that "Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand." Jesus' words express close unity.

Likewise, Paul insist on the unity of the church. In speaking to the Galatians he includes dissension and factions as sins of the flesh that will not inherit the kingdom of God (Gal. 5:20-21). In 1 Corinthians 1 Paul explains to the believers that they need to be unified. He asks the important question, "Is Christ divided?" In Ephesians 4 Paul emphasizes the importance of being one in unity and peace and warns the believers to not succumb to every wind of doctrine that will lead them astray. 

Oh, so that's what the Bible says about unity. There is no Biblical evidence that denominations/divisions are the will of God. I want to be in the will of God. In order to be in God's will I have to give up my will. Even if that means going where I never thought I'd go.

This is a glimpse of what unity can be like. I say a glimpse because, while all Catholics share a visible unity, we have brothers and sisters in Christ who do not share this same unity. While this is awesome and exciting, it could be much, much more if ALL believers were united: 

kristy

who built your church?

There are at least 8,000 Protestant denominations. Many estimate the number to be more like 20,000 to 30,000. It is hard to tell since there are so many break-away factions from the mainstream Protestant denominations a.k.a. "non-denominational" churches.

This drove me nuts when I was a Protestant. I had been in enough different churches to have known men and women who were truly in love with Jesus and very sincere about their love and faith. But if there is one God, why are there so many divisions among His people?

Jesus prayed for all believers to be one (John 17:20-23). Denominations seemed so contrary to the will of Jesus.

I was left with the question, "Which one is right? Which one contains the fullness of what God has for the world?" It took me about a year and a half of prayer and digging and listening to God.

My question to all Protestants is this - who built your church? Who was responsible for its formation? Was it John Smyth (Baptists), Charles Mason (Church of God in Christ), Martin Luther (Lutherans), John Calvin (Presbyterians), John Wesley (United Methodists), or someone more recent in history as in the case of each small non-denominational church throughout the world? 

The Catholic Church is the only Christian church who claims to have been created by Jesus. They trace their history all the way back to Jesus! This is incredible and AT LEAST worth looking into to see if it is true. I don't know John Smyth, Charles Mason, Martin Luther, John Calvin or John Wesley. But I know Jesus, and I want the Church HE formed! If you look at the evidence and disagree, fine. At a minimum you will have more knowledge of church history.

Imagine how strong we could be against Satan if we were united as one?!



kristy

The Pope declares now even atheists can go to heaven!

Did you hear that Pope Francis said that atheists can go to heaven?  He didn't.  But that's how some of the news reports frame the pope's comments yesterday from his residence.

The fastest growing religion in American now in the "none"s.  He's reaching out to them.  How wonderful!  Except people everywhere are trying to spin his words.  The secular media is reporting that he's declaring that atheists are good enough to get to heaven.  Not that the atheists care, because they don't believe in heaven.  But if a pope were to declare that anyone who does good can get into heaven, wouldn't that make the message of redemption through Christ null and void?  Oooooh - the secular world would LOVE to hear the message of Christ made null and void.

Then there are Protestants who are shaking their heads (I know because I used to be one of them), thinking, "Those poor Catholics.  Don't they know good works will never get anyone into heaven?"  To which I now want to scream from the rooftop - YES!  Yes, we know good works will never get a single person into heaven!

Pope Francis is gently trying to communicate to atheists.  His incredible humility and love can help win could for Jesus!  Love will bring them in!  How does one win the soul of an atheist?  He has to convince the atheist that he needs Jesus.  You can shout and shout and shout all you want to an atheist and tell him he needs Jesus or he will go to hell, and the atheist will just shrug his shoulders and laugh as he walks away.  Instead, Pope Francis is extending his hand to atheists and gently leading them to Christ.  Yelling at them that they are going to hell will not win their souls.  But extending a friendly hand, meeting them where they are, and loving them as Christ loves then will break down the walls that keep their minds and hearts closed to the message of the Gospel.

Pope Francis is NOT saying that atheists can work their way to heaven or that they are "OK" where they are.  That is not what the Bible says and it's not what the Church has taught for 2,000 years.  And a pope CANNOT contradict what the Bible says and what sacred Tradition has has handed down to us. It just cannot be done.  

Jesus' redemption is available for atheists.  They have to accept it to receive it, but it is always available to them.  Pope Francis is acknowledging that, as they are made in God's imagine, they are inherently designed to do good and have a will to do good.  It's in the way they are designed (whether or not the atheist wants to acknowledge that about themselves or not.)  

I am very excited about our new Pope.  There is something special about him, and the whole world sees it.  I believe his humble spirit and love will win souls for Christ.  I believe he will change the Church in a big (big and humble, that is) way.  All for the glory of God.

kristy

can't turn back

I won't lie - it's been very difficult being Catholic in a sea of Protestants.  I can count on one hand the Catholics I am close to.  I lived in the Protestant world for 17 years, so I had the opportunity to surround myself with Protestants, almost all of whom are anti-Catholic.  (Actually, I can't think of anyone who isn't anti-Catholic.)  

I've let the thought enter my mind at least dozens of times, "Why not quit?  I could quit and go back to Protestant life and everything would be easy again.  Imagine, no more arguing.  That would be soooooo nice, so easy..."  

St. Peter's words respond in my head, "But Lord, to whom shall I go?"

Once you've sought the fullness of the faith, you can't turn back.  Plain and simple.  If I imagine walking away from the Eucharist, my body literally feels slight trembling.

And so I stay.  I carry on.


The words of Pope Francis have touched me so much already, and he's only been pope for what, like 6 weeks?   He said to young people at St. Peter's Basilica at the 50th World Day of Prayer for Vacations on April 21st, “Listen for the voice of Jesus and bravely ask him what he wants of you.” 


This encourages me to the core.  I know the Catholic Church is where Jesus wants me to be.  It certainly takes bravery to be willing to go wherever he asks me to go, including when I asked him to show me what he wanted his church to be, and he lead me to the Catholic Church.  I didn't have any idea I would end up here.  But I asked, and here is where he wants me to be.

So by the grace of God go I....

kristy

you are now entering the Twilight Zone...

This is priceless.  Athiest Penn Jillette explains Catholic teaching to self-proclaimed Catholic Piers Morgan (I say "self-proclaimed" because one cannot be Catholic if one does not agree with Catholic dogma).  

I'm still chuckling....

forever blessings

I never wanted a lot of kids.  "A lot of kids" is a relative term, but four (soon to be five) children is a lot to me.  The first two were "planned", and the last three were surprises.  It's easy to let the busy-ness of life and the stress that comes with having little children dissuade me from having more.  I'm getting older, and so I probably won't "plan" any more children after #5 arrives.  But looking back, I wouldn't have planned #4, either (whose conception happened at a very difficult time in life).  And now that #4 is here, I can't imagine life without him.  He completes our family.  That's how it's been each time a new baby arrives.  And so now I know and understand that #5 will complete our family even more.  In fact, with each new addition - planned or unplanned - our family gets better.  Better than we would have ever been able to imagine.  


Life is amazing.  And the thing with life is this - it's forever.  Our family gets better on a permanent, forever basis.  What could possibly be more incredible than a blessing that lasts forever?  It's so easy to get stuck in the here and now and say we can't take on any more family members.  But when we look at the big scope of life, if God wants our family to be blessed with more tiny family members, it will always make our family better.  I'm not ignoring the reality of the struggles and trials of this life, but struggles and trials are temporary and will be there no matter if we have two kids or five.  The blessings of a child is forever.  

my forever blessings - Todd (7), Isaac (3), Peter (1) and Eli (5)

photo by Leslie Elder of Letography

peace and love,
kristy

For Such a Time as This

Have I mentioned that I love being Catholic?  It's exactly where I know I'm supposed to be.

I grew up with a nominal Catholic foundation (one day I'll go into that more), so I became a Protestant at the age of 15 after meeting someone who showed me how much Jesus loved me.  For 18 years I was passionately in love with Christ as a Protestant.  Then I was called home by the lover of my soul.  Now I am passionately in love with Christ in the Church that Jesus gave us to guide us.  That's not to say the Church has been perfect, but it has been guided by the Holy Spirit amid any attacks from the gates of Hell.

I like to get the background out of the way so that you know where I'm coming from.

Being Catholic has been very difficult in so many ways.  I've had the chance to take a deeper look at myself (and while that's good, it certainly is ugly), and I've had to stand strong to people who oppose my move.  I haven't known very many passionately Catholic people in my life.  Honestly, most Catholics I know don't even seem to know what they believe or why they believe it.  And most Protestants I know have had the same experience with Catholics. They are baffled when they see someone who is a Bible-believing Jesus freak moves back to the Catholic Church.  They are speechless.  I can feel the speechlessness.

I constantly feel like I am fighting from the inside and from the outside.

But I didn't expect anything about my conversion (reversion) to be easy, so I'm OK with it.  I was prepared for it.  I have been silently letting the Holy Spirit build things in me that should have been built in me in the first 15 years of my life.  I've held these things close to my heart.

During the end of 2011, I felt God telling me it's time to speak up.  Time to stand up.  Time to be a light for His Church.  All for His glory, not mine.  All for His people, not for me.

This is the thing about me - I don't like to go against the crowd.  I don't like to stand out.  I don't like to speak up.  I don't like to be the odd one.  I've always stood firm in my convictions, but I've resisted being outspoken about them.  I like to stand in the corner and watch life from a safe place.  So I pondered what I kept hearing and tried to explain it away.  Surely that's not what God is telling me.

The Time Square ball dropped and 2012 was here.  I still wrestled with the message I felt like I was getting from God.  The message I felt like I was getting from Him to go and stand out for Him, which is an absolute paradox to my personality.

January 20, 2012.  Obama announces that he is not giving any religious exemption to his HHS mandate.  Catholic institutions will have to violate their consciences and pay for birth control and abortion-causing pills or suffer large fines.  The Bishops speak up.  They stand firm.  They stand for the teachings of the Church regarding contraception.  A teaching that many - including Catholic and Protestant Christians - feel is antiquated.  Religious liberty is threatened and the Bishops are not caving.  The drama begins.  Suddenly the Church and her 2,000 years of teaching on contraception is shoved into the limelight.  People start asking the question - why does the Catholic Church teach against contraception?  A teaching that was long considered old-fashioned and irrelevant is suddenly being discussed everywhere.

Something in me has changed.  Now I'm ready.  Time to stand up.  Time to speak up.

Am I the only one who feels like there's something happening?  I can't put my finger on it, but there is something in the air.  Israel and Iran (and China and Russia) are getting ready to go to war.  Religious liberty is being attacked by our government.  The Bishops are finally standing firm for something.  People are flocking back to the Catholic Church, spurred by a deep desire to get to firmer ground, beyond themselves and their own opinions about the Bible.  Deep, thoughtful Christians are making the move more and more.  Why?

I think a major reason is because God needs unity in His people.  Something is happening in the world, and Christians would be stronger against evil if  they were united.  Unity is also necessary to reach the lost in the world.  On the night before He died, Jesus prayed for all Christians to be in unity.

“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one — I in them and you in me — so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." John 17:20-23


This passage never meant anything to me before I started taking a closer look at the Catholic Church.  Now my heart echoes Jesus's heart when he prayed this.  He knows he's about to die, and he is praying for us to be united.  I feel like screaming, "Doesn't this mean anything to anyone?!"


It's time to reach the lost, and we cannot reach the masses without unity.  

peace amid the storm

Amid the storms that invaded my life over the last year, I have learned something that has made all of the trials worth it.  I am not sure if I would choose to go through it again, because growing hurts.  But the peace I feel on this side of my trials is amazing, and I never would have had that if I hadn't gone through what I've endured.  The peace is indescribable, really.   The peace is with me every minute of my day.  When I doubt and start falling into despair, peace and love pick me up and embrace me and bring me back to the light again.

I am obviously a big fan of Lifehouse's music.  Please excuse the commercials.  Kinda tacky, but I guess they have to make money like the rest of us...

Chesterton and me

I am loving Chesterton quotes!  G. K. Chesterton seems like a no nonsense guy, but that's just my first impression of him.  I love the way he plainly states the obvious.  


I have started reading my first Chesterton book on my Kindle.  It's called Orthodoxy.  Why Orthodoxy?  Because it was free on Amazon at Christmastime when I got my Kindle!  I wasn't sure where to start with Chesterton, and starting with a free book sounded right up my isle.  


I have to admit I have a newfound love of reading.  Unfortunately I did not enjoy reading growing up.  So I am not sure if that explains the difficulty I am having with Orthodoxy.  I love the book, and I love reading Chesterton.  But this first Chesterton book of mine seems to be a bit...rambling.  I am in the middle of the book and it seems like it is just starting to make sense and get good.  I can only read through about ten pages at a time, and I go back and re-read passages to help them sink in.


I ran across a wonderful quote from Chesterton today (not from the book I am reading, but from Fallible Blogma): “The difficulty of explaining ‘why I am a Catholic’ is that there are ten thousand reasons all amounting to one reason: that Catholicism is true.” – G. K. Chesterton


Yep, love it!  It sums up why my mouth is left hanging open and speechless when I get the question, "Why the Catholic Church?"  


peace be with you today!


kristy

Todd

At the time that I accepted that my life was falling to pieces, I reverted to Catholicism after being an evangelical Protestant since I was 15.  My conversion, or reversion, was a process that God started in my heart about a year and a half earlier.  There were several things that held me back before, and as my life started to crumble apart, I ran home to the Church that my Lord has prepared for me 2,000 years ago.  It was been a beautiful, absolutely magnificent reunion for me.  I could go on and on about it, but I will post more on that later.

My oldest little boy, Todd, turned six not too long ago.  I enrolled him in the same Catholic school that I attended when I was little.  He has only been going to Mass for about five months, and it has been a transition for all of my kids.  They used to have children's church at our Protestant churches, and they were entertained there while we attended service.  So for my then five-year old to go from that to having to sit for an hour and be quiet during Mass, well, it was quite a difficult transition.  And he is going to Mass twice a week, once with his school on Tuesdays and once with me and his brothers on Sunday.  So it's been a challenge for him.

Todd is a very special boy.  He has always studied people and their emotions.  He is reflective and contemplative.  He is loving and kind, and he has the best manners of any kid I know. 

But he is six yeears old.  Mass is boring to him.  When you're a six-year old little boy attending a Catholic church for the first time in your life, it is boring and almost like torture compared to what he experienced before. 

Every Sunday morning I race around getting everyone cleaned and ready to go to Mass.  Every Sunday morning Todd complains about having to go to Mass and explains why he doesn't want to go (again, because it's boring).  I usually explain to him that it is very important that we worship God and tell him that it is very important to me for us to attend Mass.  Sometimes I explain to him (briefly, because I am not sure how much he can take in right now) that it is important for me to go there and receive the Body and Blood of Christ.  I am not sure how much he understands, but I can tell he often thinks about what I just said. 

This Sunday he complained that all Mass is is sitting and standing and kneeling.  I knelt down beside him and explained that it is so much more than that.  I explained that while he is sitting quietly and standing quietly and kneeling quietly, that maybe something will happen to him on the inside, and I put my hand over his heart.  I told him that the reason that I love going to Mass is because of what happens to me on the inside.  I told him it is very special and from God.  I wasn't sure if he understood, but he stopped his complaining.  Maybe it was so that I would stop the lecture.  But I was glad I had explained it to him so that he could remember it the next time he felt like complaining about Mass.  I was happy to be touching on the real "meat" of faith: what happens on the inside.  It was a great seed that I felt like I had planted, although Todd never said anything about it.

Last night as he was waiting for me to tuck him into bed, he shoved his fists up in the air and said, "Yes!  I get to go to Mass tomorrow!"  (He has Mass with his class on Tuesday mornings.)  I was shocked to hear the excitement coming from him.  I didn't make a big deal of it, because I was just literally too shocked for words.

So I contemplated it and asked him this morning about what seemed to be excitement from him about going to Mass.  He grinned and admitted that he likes Mass.  When I asked why, he replied, "Because I get to sing and worship God."  Again, I was absolutely speechless.

How special it that?!?!

I am so blessed to have this special little guy who amazes me beyond words.  My heart is warmed to a higher degree this morning.  There are no words to express the gratitude that I feel to my Lord for such an amazing gift.

Kyrie eleison

between a rock and a hard place...

So, I have some big decisions to make for me and the boys in the future.  Right now I am waiting on God.  I am in no hurry to make the decisions until I know it's time.  

Boy, waiting is hard.

Something happened the other day that left me feeling hopeless.  I have developed a numbness that allows me to "stay strong" and not cry like a baby every day.  But that night I went to bed crying.  A big part of me wanted to give up.  But giving up means taking some steps that I never ever wanted to take in my life.  The phrase, "between a rock and a hard place" entered my mind, and that's how I felt.  I cried to God to tell me what to do.  And then I listened, hoping I'd hear His voice.  But I heard nothing.

The next day we did our usual routine.  I took my 3-year old to his speech therapist's home that morning before going into work.  After his therapy, his therapist walked out to the car with us, offering to help load the boys, talking to my 22-month old.  She never walks to the car with us.  And it was a cold morning.  She had no shoes or socks on and no jacket.  So I thought it was odd that she was even out there with us.

After I loaded the boys up, she said something to me.  She said that she wanted to encourage me not to give up.  I knew instantly within the core of my being that it was from God, and my eyes started watering.  She asked to pray with me, and what she prayed was exactly what was going on in me.  I thanked her and told her I needed to hear it.

Sometimes I want to be "special" and hear God's audible voice so that I know that I know that I know it's Him.  But then it wouldn't be faith, would it?  Maybe the second best scenario is for Him to send a message through one of His believers.  

So now I know the path I am supposed to be on right now, and that's not to give up.  And I heard it from God himself.  And that's all I need to know right now.

Kyrie eleison!

no regrets

I have been trying to figure out a way to write about what I am going through without giving it all away.  The internet is this mass of eternal information, and I don't want to post something on here that I will regret.  I am in the midst of my life crisis, and I am not sure how things will turn out.  Things will turn out either good.  Or bad.  I am hopeful for reconciliations, but in order for reconciliations to happen many deeply rooted changes have to happen.  I do not doubt that God can change people, but I doubt the willingness of people to make those hard changes.

Either way it goes, I know that God will take care of us.  The pains from hurts will either be large and will be a life challenge to overcome, or the pains will be a minor hardened scar that has changed me and taught me and reminds me of this time in my life.

I must remain somewhat hidden during this time of uncertainties.  If I say too much and reconciliations become a possibility, I don't want to have major regrets about what I've written here.  I.  hate.  regrets.

I ponder why I hate regrets so much.  I think it all has to do with pride.  If I have regrets for my actions, it reminds me that I am not perfect.  Outwardly I admit that I am not perfect, but inwardly I try to tell myself that I am almost perfect.  I almost have it all together.

But I don't have it all together.  God reminds me of that, and it stings my pride.  So I am learning that He is in control.  Even in acknowledging that He is in control, I still try to figure out the details of my future.  And it drives me crazy.  Because I can't figure it out.  So I have to give up my "plans" and lean on God.  It's this ugly cycle that keeps repeating itself.  My hope is that one day I will truly get it.  And when I learn what I need to learn about not being in control, I imagine that my first reaction will be to lean on my Lord.  Instead of spinning the wheels in my brain.

Why is it so hard to learn to trust Him without hesitation when I can look back at every problem in life and know, truly know that everything that I have let Him control has turned out beautifully?  I desire that utter beauty that I have experienced when I lean on His grace and mercy.

Change is so hard.  Yet I become impatient when others take time to make their changes.  

I am learning to be at peace with being imperfect.  Even as I write it, it stings.  

My first favorite quote from Pope Benedict XVI

"It is important to recognize dissent for what it is, and not to mistake it for a mature contribution to a balanced and wide-ranging debate. It is the truth revealed through Scripture and Tradition and articulated by the Church’s Magisterium that sets us free. Cardinal Newman realized this, and he left us an outstanding example of faithfulness to revealed truth by following that 'kindly light' wherever it led him, even at considerable personal cost. Great writers and communicators of his stature and integrity are needed in the Church today, and it is my hope that devotion to him will inspire many to follow in his footsteps.”


— Pope Benedict XVI’s address to the Bishops of England and Wales Visit “ad limina apostolorum,” January, 2010

The first sentence is the best!  I saw this posted on Patrick Madrid.  As someone returning to the fullness of the faith, I've often overlooked quotes from Pope Benedict.  This one's good, and I am so thankful I ran across it!  It keeps all of those debates floating out there in proper perspective for me!

Kristy

are you there, God?

I have been reading a bit about Vincent van Gogh, and while I always enjoyed the beauty of some of his most famous works of art, I never realized how profoundly deeply he wrote. 

As many artists now famous, van Gogh did not get to enjoy the appreciation that others find in his art nor the financial rewards of that appreciation.  He lived a life full of poverty and tragedy and died at the young age of 37.  During his life his younger brother, Theo, helped to support Vincent financially, and Vincent wrote to Theo hundreds of letters often discussing his life's woes and also on his views on life.  Many of these letters were left when Theo died and have been translated to English.  (Good thing for me, since I don't know Dutch!)

When I read some of his letters two things stand out to me.  First, he seems to have been hurt by men during his life, and in particular religious men.  This hurt caused him to question faith and God and religion and all that goes along with those things and with life. 

The second thing that marked me when reading some of his letters is that, even though he had these deep emotional scars that he carried with him which caused him to seemingly harden to all things "religious", he could not deny the beauty and love in life, and at least acknowledge that God was in there somewhere.  When he painted the stars, that is where he felt God.  When he loved others, that is where he felt God.  When others showed love to him, he felt God. 

It touches me to have learned about a man who, like so many others, has had a difficult life, has been hurt by others, but yet is still able to see good in all that God created.  My heart goes out to him and others like him.  No matter how low I find myself in this life, I will never be able to deny the existence of God.  In the wind.  In the waves.  In the fields.  In the flowers.  In a baby's cry.  In a child's smile.  In the majestic trees.  In loving others.

Vincent van Gogh quotes:

The more I think it over, the more I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people.

I dream my painting, and then I paint my dream.

What has changed is that my life then was less difficult and my future seemingly less gloomy, but as far as my inner self, my way of looking at things and of thinking is concerned, that has not changed. But if there has indeed been a change, then it is that I think, believe and love more seriously now what I thought, believed and loved even then.

I think that everything that is really good and beautiful, the inner, moral, spiritual and sublime beauty in men and their works, comes from God, and everything that is bad and evil in the works of men and in men is not from God, and God does not approve of it.

But I cannot help thinking that the best way of knowing God is to love many things. Love this friend, this person, this thing, whatever you like, and you will be on the right road to understanding Him better, that is what I keep telling myself. But you must love with a sublime, genuine, profound sympathy, with devotion, with intelligence, and you must try all the time to understand Him more, better and yet more. That will lead to God, that will lead to an unshakeable faith.  Try to grasp the essence of what the great artists, the serious masters, say in their masterpieces, and you will again find God in them. One man has written or said it in a book, another in a painting.