Friday, December 31, 2010

2010 kicked my butt and further ramblings

I admit it, 2010 was the hardest year of my life.  I keep telling myself that 2011 has to be better.  I went through today feeling an aura of funk all day.  I was irritable.  I am never irritable.  OK, maybe four times a year I can be irritable.  But I'm just not normally that kind of person.  I go through life with a smile, and while it is hard to do so sometimes, it just feels like it's the best thing to do.  And the most natural thing.

So back to today.  I couldn't shake the feeling, and I had no idea why I was feeling this...mood.  Then all of the sudden, it hit me while I was cooking spaghetti for the boys.  The tears started flowing.  I spent most of 2010 in "survival mode".  If you're going through hell, keep on moving.  Or so the saying goes, right?  I spent many days just taking it one day at a time.  Fighting...swimming...smiling...growing a thick skin necessary for survival....moving forward.  It was impossible for me to do anything else.

So, finally as I slaved (not really - spaghetti sauce from a jar) over dinner, I reflected on this blasted year and let myself feel the effects that 2010 has had on me.  I had been telling myself that 2011 has to be better.  But the trouble is, all of the signs point to 2011 being another year of struggle.  Maybe it will be slightly better than 2010, but for the most part I will still have to keep fighting and surviving through the turbulence that I have come to unwillingly know too well.  2010 came crashing down on me.  And it was a very difficult year for a lot of other people I know as well.

I figured I'd stay up and watch the ball drop at midnight so that I could wave good bye and good riddance to that nasty 2010.  But by supper time I was so weary I decided that I'd rather just go to sleep and wake up after 2010 was over.  Even though I felt strongly about sleeping it off, it just didn't seem like that would be the right thing for me to do.  If I hid in the peacefulness of sleep so that I no longer have to face the trials this year has brought, then wouldn't that mean that 2010 had won?  I can't let that happen, as weary as I may be.

Now I know that I am a fighter.  Even if I have to scotch tape my eyelids open, I will stay up and say farewell to 2010.  You fought a hard fight, but you didn't win.  I will be the one at 11:59 biting my thumb at you as you leave history forever.  I will be the one left finding victory after 2010.  My victory lies there somewhere ahead of me, leaving 2010 in the dust.  I just have to believe it to be true.

It's amazing to look back, and despite all of the truly raw and difficult things I have had to face, I can see so many good things that I have found amid the calamity.  I must always give the credit to my Lord, because I would be nowhere without his grace and mercy.  He has blessed me abundantly, and I believe that he holds something very special for me somewhere in my future.  I am so thankful that he has given me a strong disposition.  Sometimes when I think about it, I realize it really isn't that difficult for me to be strong.  It just seems like the only thing to do - be strong.  And I know that is a gift from God.  He knew all along what I was going to have to face, and he prepared me and equipped me.  I am learning daily what "His grace is sufficient" means.

Adios 2010! 


Sarah Marie said...

blessings to you in this new year. I hope in my heart it will bring you joy & peace, but if God wills otherwise, I have a feeling you'll survive just fine. better than fine. you are so strong, mama!

Kristy said...

Thank you so much, Sarah! I am sure thing will look up somehow. I can always find the good in any situation. I just may have to spend more energy than usual to find it sometimes. Happy New Year to you!

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

You know I'm praying for you, hon!! Your great attitude and your trust in the Lord can get you through any storm! :)