Surprise, surprise, baby #5 is on the way!
One of these days I'm going to take a class on NFP (Natural Family Planning). We were on course to take a class once my cycles started back after having our fourth son. My cycle started in February, and the next NFP class after that was scheduled to start in April. We couldn't make it to the class. My fertility happened again.
We all grow up with pictures in our mind of what our lives might be like when we "grow up". I never ever thought I'd have five kids. I think I wanted a boy and a girl and that was it. You know - the perfect little family. HA! Four boys later, we are surprised with another bundle of joy brewing in the oven.
I'd love to say I am always positive and when I get surprises like this my first thoughts are of the wonders and joys of children and how they are such a blessing. No, not me. I like to think of myself of a "planner". I say I like to think of myself as a planner because lately it seems like nothing in my life is planned or goes as I've planned. But internally, my instinct...the very makeup of who I am - I like to have things planned. So when I discovered I was having another baby, my world started spinning. How are we going to do this? Where are we going to put another baby? How am I going to handle two babies 17 months apart? How will I ever feel happy about this baby?!
I kept the news quiet for a couple of weeks (except for sharing the news with my DH, of course). I just needed to ponder things in my heart for a while before discussing it with other people. During this time I thanked God for the new blessing and prayed for the baby to be healthy. I also had my pity parties - I wondered why do I have to be so darn fertile?! Then I'd remember the dear women who are suffering - deeply suffering - from infertility, and I'd repent and ask God for forgiveness for being so self-centered. During this time I'd remember how sweet newborn babies are, and I'd get excited about getting to have another of my own in my arms. Then I'd stress about only having three bedrooms in our house now and get down about not having room for another baby. This was a time of working through many emotions.
I was nervous to tell people. No one in any of my circles of friends, coworkers, or family (save a few) have 5 kids. In my social circles it is socially weird to have 5 kids. What will people say about this? Even worse - what will they say behind my back? (I tend to get a little over paranoid when it comes to caring what people think about me. I'm working on it.)
I eventually told everyone, and it's been fine. Just fine. Besides just shocking people (who has 5 kids nowadays anyways?), everyone has been supportive.
I planned my life to be very nice and neat and perfect when I was younger. The thing is - those were MY plans. Giving control over to God is so incredibly hard, no matter what area it is in life. Every time I am surprised by a pregnancy, my plans get blown away. Then I find peace in aligning my plans with God's. And every time one of my "unplanned" babies are born, my life becomes better. I become better. I become more complete. God is funny that way. His plans are always better than ours.