The whole world of blogging is so new to me. I feel odd when I become emotionally involved with perfect strangers without them knowing. I read the stories about their lives and BAM! I'm hooked. But it also opened a whole new world to people enjoying their lives and sharing it and I got to see the beauty that is possible in people.
It occurred to me that I might want to write a blog. Not to attract readers, but as sort of a journal for myself while I sort through thoughts and emotions stemming from a mess that I've been handed. But I wouldn't mention what the mess was, because that would be too much information to just put out there about myself. Instead, I could use my blog to document new things that I am learning to see and enjoy in life despite this mess that I'm in.
I think about writing a post on my new, shiny blog all of the time. The problem is, I rarely post anything. I have all of these thoughts and emotions that I am sorting through...but my blog isn't for that. It's only for nice, fluffy things that make me happy. I don't want people to see anything other than happy things on here. If some stranger does happen to pass by my way, heaven help me if they see anything other than nice and fluffy. If they saw what I'm really dealing with, they may not like me and will pass on to a happier, nicer blog.
But then, who is this really for? Didn't I intend for this to be for me? Sure, it would be nice for a stranger or two to read and maybe post an encouragement or what if my blog helped them sort through some emotions?
I know now that I don't post on here as often as I'd like to because it takes so much effort to write about nice, fluffy things and not to write about raw feelings. My feelings. The nice, fluffy things are so forced and disingenuous. And if someone passes by, they will see the insincerity. Who am I fooling?
This brings me to another realization. Part of the reason I am in the mess I am in is because I haven't been true to myself. Whatever that means, I know it's me. And then I want to start a blog to record things that aren't being true to myself?! I've got to get out of this intense desire to please people. I am tired of wanting people to like me. But I really want people to like me. I feel like I'm a likable person, and I don't want them to not like me. But what if I were one of those people who were OK with not everyone liking me? Are those people happier? I don't know, but I'm willing to try it.
I just don't want people to feel sorry for me. A whole lot of people know about my current situation, and I can feel that they feel so sorry for me and that they don't know what to say to me. I don't like that. I don't know why, but I just don't like it. Maybe it's pride.
So that's where I am. Unapologetic, plain ol' just me. Maybe that's what I should be on my blog. Then my blog wouldn't be so much an effort. And it might mean something to someone else along the way, too.
Beware for upcoming ugly, hairy messes being uncovered and talked about. Makes me cringe at the thought of being so real.