Monday, October 25, 2010

no regrets

I have been trying to figure out a way to write about what I am going through without giving it all away.  The internet is this mass of eternal information, and I don't want to post something on here that I will regret.  I am in the midst of my life crisis, and I am not sure how things will turn out.  Things will turn out either good.  Or bad.  I am hopeful for reconciliations, but in order for reconciliations to happen many deeply rooted changes have to happen.  I do not doubt that God can change people, but I doubt the willingness of people to make those hard changes.

Either way it goes, I know that God will take care of us.  The pains from hurts will either be large and will be a life challenge to overcome, or the pains will be a minor hardened scar that has changed me and taught me and reminds me of this time in my life.
I must remain somewhat hidden during this time of uncertainties.  If I say too much and reconciliations become a possibility, I don't want to have major regrets about what I've written here.  I.  hate.  regrets.
I ponder why I hate regrets so much.  I think it all has to do with pride.  If I have regrets for my actions, it reminds me that I am not perfect.  Outwardly I admit that I am not perfect, but inwardly I try to tell myself that I am almost perfect.  I almost have it all together.

But I don't have it all together.  God reminds me of that, and it stings my pride.  So I am learning that He is in control.  Even in acknowledging that He is in control, I still try to figure out the details of my future.  And it drives me crazy.  Because I can't figure it out.  So I have to give up my "plans" and lean on God.  It's this ugly cycle that keeps repeating itself.  My hope is that one day I will truly get it.  And when I learn what I need to learn about not being in control, I imagine that my first reaction will be to lean on my Lord.  Instead of spinning the wheels in my brain.
Why is it so hard to learn to trust Him without hesitation when I can look back at every problem in life and know, truly know that everything that I have let Him control has turned out beautifully?  I desire that utter beauty that I have experienced when I lean on His grace and mercy.

Change is so hard.  Yet I become impatient when others take time to make their changes.  

I am learning to be at peace with being imperfect.  Even as I write it, it stings.  

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