Monday, November 1, 2010

I don't want to lose me

My life isn't what it was a couple of years ago.  This is certainly not the way I planned things.  But I don't have control over people, and people are people, so here I am.  

I have been through a lot of pain lately.  I have tried the best I know how to protect my beautiful boys from experiencing their pains, too.  I wonder what lies ahead for us.  I hurt.  I cry.  

I have known for a while that I am different than people around me.  I feel compassion in ways not like others.  I love life and I love the gifts that I've been given in the people who love me and whom I love.  I see the love that God has for others.  I see the beauty in the everyday living.  I trust to the point of being taken advantage of.  

I am afraid of losing that.

I am afraid of losing the gentle person that I am.  I am afraid of becoming hard and pessimistic.  I am afraid of becoming a bitter old woman who always has something negative to say because of the hurts I've experienced and not seeing good in anything or anyone any longer.  I am afraid of turning off my feelings so that I don't have to get hurt anymore.

I don't want to become that person.  I'd rather stay who I am and see the good in people.  And maybe get hurt again in the process.  I'd rather keep trusting, even when it means I am vulnerable.  I want to stay the kind of person who effortlessly has a smile on my face while I am amid chaos.  Don't get me wrong - it's not a fake smile.  It's a smile that acknowledges that there is more good in life than bad.  I want to continue seeing the good. 

Kyrie Eleison! 



Sarah Marie said...

Kristy, I can't possibly know what you are experiencing right now.

I don't know you (& it feels absolutely nutty saying this to someone I don't know!) but... something in me just cries out, "tell Kristy you're here for her."

So, I'm here for you. Your virtual friend :)

I want to be encouraging- but I'm no good at that.

Instead, I'll tell you: I love the passion behind your words. I love the hope, the intent. I love how you cling to God and cling to positivity. It's pure and good and special. I don't think you'll lose it. It seems to me that this difficult place God has you in is a place of purification.

Anyway, enough of my thoughts. haha-you don't even know me and probably think I'm crazy! ;)


Kristy said...

Sarah Marie, I certainly don't think you're crazy! There are a million gazillion ways in which I appreciate your support and expressing that to me. I just can't put any of it into words now.

And you're no good at being encouraging?!?! You are too humble. You encouraged me in ways not many could in recent days. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Sarah Marie said...

you are welcome, anytime! :)

love that C.S. Lewis quote, by the way. He has such a way with words. Definitely God-given and so inspiring!

Kristyn said...

Thanks for posting a comment on my blog today... I am considering changing my signature line on my email to "Same Kristyn since 1975!" (Just kidding...)

I just wanted to leave you a little comment here... I am going through something too, just an ongoing cycle of being hurt by another person's behavior. It is hard not to be affected by it. I told my priest that I don't know what to do with this because I feel like I have two choices: cynical indifference, or raw pain in my soul all the time. I said, "What is my third choice?" I meant it a little rhetorically but he looked me in the eye and said, "Kristyn, your third choice is truth." I am always afraid of putting the truth out in front of people that I know don't want to hear it. I don't want to be rejected. I don't like being yelled at and criticized. You wrote in another post that you hate regrets. Oh, me too! I think it is because, at least in my case, that I have such a melancholic temperament that I have trouble letting go of things. I keep brooding... and rethinking... This can be good if I learn from it but sometimes it's' more like wallowing. :)
I am praying for you. Take care and enjoy those adorable little boys!