My life isn't what it was a couple of years ago. This is certainly not the way I planned things. But I don't have control over people, and people are people, so here I am.
I have been through a lot of pain lately. I have tried the best I know how to protect my beautiful boys from experiencing their pains, too. I wonder what lies ahead for us. I hurt. I cry.
I have known for a while that I am different than people around me. I feel compassion in ways not like others. I love life and I love the gifts that I've been given in the people who love me and whom I love. I see the love that God has for others. I see the beauty in the everyday living. I trust to the point of being taken advantage of.
I am afraid of losing that.
I am afraid of losing the gentle person that I am. I am afraid of becoming hard and pessimistic. I am afraid of becoming a bitter old woman who always has something negative to say because of the hurts I've experienced and not seeing good in anything or anyone any longer. I am afraid of turning off my feelings so that I don't have to get hurt anymore.
I don't want to become that person. I'd rather stay who I am and see the good in people. And maybe get hurt again in the process. I'd rather keep trusting, even when it means I am vulnerable. I want to stay the kind of person who effortlessly has a smile on my face while I am amid chaos. Don't get me wrong - it's not a fake smile. It's a smile that acknowledges that there is more good in life than bad. I want to continue seeing the good.