Friday, October 29, 2010

sometimes by step

I'm listening to some Rich Mullins on this lovely Friday afternoon.  One verse from his song, "Sometimes by Step"  stood out to me today.  God has been doing something in me, and I am having trouble understanding it or putting it into words.  People don't always understand me, but He does, and that gives me the comfort that I need today. 

(The emphasis is mine.)

Sometimes I think of Abraham

How one star he saw had been lit for me
He was a stranger in this land
And I am that, no less than he
And on this road to righteousness
Sometimes the climb can be so steep
I may falter in my steps
But never beyond Your reach

Kyrie Eleison!


Monday, October 25, 2010

no regrets

I have been trying to figure out a way to write about what I am going through without giving it all away.  The internet is this mass of eternal information, and I don't want to post something on here that I will regret.  I am in the midst of my life crisis, and I am not sure how things will turn out.  Things will turn out either good.  Or bad.  I am hopeful for reconciliations, but in order for reconciliations to happen many deeply rooted changes have to happen.  I do not doubt that God can change people, but I doubt the willingness of people to make those hard changes.

Either way it goes, I know that God will take care of us.  The pains from hurts will either be large and will be a life challenge to overcome, or the pains will be a minor hardened scar that has changed me and taught me and reminds me of this time in my life.
I must remain somewhat hidden during this time of uncertainties.  If I say too much and reconciliations become a possibility, I don't want to have major regrets about what I've written here.  I.  hate.  regrets.
I ponder why I hate regrets so much.  I think it all has to do with pride.  If I have regrets for my actions, it reminds me that I am not perfect.  Outwardly I admit that I am not perfect, but inwardly I try to tell myself that I am almost perfect.  I almost have it all together.

But I don't have it all together.  God reminds me of that, and it stings my pride.  So I am learning that He is in control.  Even in acknowledging that He is in control, I still try to figure out the details of my future.  And it drives me crazy.  Because I can't figure it out.  So I have to give up my "plans" and lean on God.  It's this ugly cycle that keeps repeating itself.  My hope is that one day I will truly get it.  And when I learn what I need to learn about not being in control, I imagine that my first reaction will be to lean on my Lord.  Instead of spinning the wheels in my brain.
Why is it so hard to learn to trust Him without hesitation when I can look back at every problem in life and know, truly know that everything that I have let Him control has turned out beautifully?  I desire that utter beauty that I have experienced when I lean on His grace and mercy.

Change is so hard.  Yet I become impatient when others take time to make their changes.  

I am learning to be at peace with being imperfect.  Even as I write it, it stings.  

halloween humor

Halloween is NOT my favorite holiday.  It's like a non-holiday to me.  Bah humbug!  A type of counter-holiday to All Saints Day, and that's not good in my book.  So to pass through this dreaded day, I find that humor helps.  This is my favorite halloween cartoon by far.  Enjoy, and stay safe!

Kyrie Eleison


Saturday, October 9, 2010

Me, uncovered?

The whole world of blogging is so new to me.  I feel odd when I become emotionally involved with perfect strangers without them knowing.  I read the stories about their lives and BAM!  I'm hooked.  But it also opened a whole new world to people enjoying their lives and sharing it and I got to see the beauty that is possible in people.  
It occurred to me that I might want to write a blog.  Not to attract readers, but as sort of a journal for myself while I sort through thoughts and emotions stemming from a mess that I've been handed.  But I wouldn't mention what the mess was, because that would be too much information to just put out there about myself.  Instead, I could use my blog to document new things that I am learning to see and enjoy in life despite this mess that I'm in.

I think about writing a post on my new, shiny blog all of the time.  The problem is, I rarely post anything.  I have all of these thoughts and emotions that I am sorting through...but my blog isn't for that.  It's only for nice, fluffy things that make me happy.  I don't want people to see anything other than happy things on here.  If some stranger does happen to pass by my way, heaven help me if they see anything other than nice and fluffy.  If they saw what I'm really dealing with, they may not like me and will pass on to a happier, nicer blog.

But then, who is this really for?  Didn't I intend for this to be for me?  Sure, it would be nice for a stranger or two to read and maybe post an encouragement or what if my blog helped them sort through some emotions?  

I know now that I don't post on here as often as I'd like to because it takes so much effort to write about nice, fluffy things and not to write about raw feelings.  My feelings.  The nice, fluffy things are so forced and disingenuous.  And if someone passes by, they will see the insincerity.  Who am I fooling?

This brings me to another realization.  Part of the reason I am in the mess I am in is because I haven't been true to myself.  Whatever that means, I know it's me.  And then I want to start a blog to record things that aren't being true to myself?!  I've got to get out of this intense desire to please people.  I am tired of wanting people to like me.  But I really want people to like me.  I feel like I'm a likable person, and I don't want them to not like me.  But what if I were one of those people who were OK with not everyone liking me?  Are those people happier?  I don't know, but I'm willing to try it.

I just don't want people to feel sorry for me.  A whole lot of people know about my current situation, and I can feel that they feel so sorry for me and that they don't know what to say to me.  I don't like that.  I don't know why, but I just don't like it.  Maybe it's pride.

So that's where I am.  Unapologetic, plain ol' just me.  Maybe that's what I should be on my blog.  Then my blog wouldn't be so much an effort.  And it might mean something to someone else along the way, too.

Beware for upcoming ugly, hairy messes being uncovered and talked about.  Makes me cringe at the thought of being so real.


Friday, October 1, 2010

Yay, me!

This was a week of accomplishments for me.  I don't often toot my own horn, but I had two major accomplishments this week, and I am still beeming with elation. 

On Saturday I ran my first 5K race.  I. ran. the. whole. thing.  That was my goal, to run the whole thing.  Adrenaline carried me through.  I am hooked.  I must admit, I got passed by a speed walker (she was FAST!), but I didn't let the humility get me too down.  I ran and I ran and I ran (however slowly) and I finished right before the group of walkers.  Ha!

Then on Tuesday night I finished a book.  A whole book.  It was Surprised By Truth 2 by Patrick Madrid.  Very good.  I have not finished a book in probably 7 years.  It's really been that long.  I think I might try fiction next.  I love to soak in facts and especially theology.  But I think that fiction might be a fun change of pace.  And I haven't read a fiction book since high school.  That's too many years ago to count.

Time to sign up for my next race!  Go, me!